"Come on, Yuu! Since you already mentioned a date, you gotta tell us how it went." Lavi was unrelenting, egging him on cheerfully in between the gulps of his beer.
The idiot had a point - Kanda really shouldn't have mentioned it. “Don’t f*cking call me that.”
He didn't even know what came over him. He blamed the beer, as well as the fact that he was mostly drinking it with such dedication tonight to forget that specific evening a week ago.
Kanda clicked his tongue. "It went normal. What do you even expect would be there to say about it?" He took another swig of his beer before slamming it back on the table, making sure that his uncomfortable glare landed on anything and anyone besides Allen f*cking Walker. Some droplets of the half empty beverage sloshed over the edge and landed on his hand.
"Was it nice?" Lenalee asked with a smile.
She was trying to make it easy for him, probably. But that wasn't helping this time. Since it wasn't nice at all. "It's my private business, isn't it?" He was twenty-five, for f*cks’ sake. He could maybe understand them fussing over him dating if they were still in college and Kanda was still sort-of convincing himself he wanted to die alone. But they were far past that point. It wasn’t even the first time Kanda took someone on a few dates.
"Hmm, okay." Something in both Lavi's tone and his eye made Kanda extremely uneasy. Sometimes, it felt even worse when he left things unsaid instead of trying to tease him outright. That stupid rabbit always saw too well through him. Kanda, on the other hand, really couldn’t read him all that much. It was so f*cking annoying. Lavi changed topic, "Lena, I just realized! That big dancing contest is already next week, right?"
Lenalee smiled brightly, and started excitedly chatting about the preparations she's been going through. Kanda definitely rooted for her, in his way, but right now he couldn't even pay attention to what she was saying. He was too busy being relieved.
That, and, he threw a surreptitious look at Allen sitting across from him. Kanda caught him looking, but he turned away the instant their eyes were about to meet. "You're giving it your best, Lenalee. I'm sure it'll go great," the bean pitched in only then, and Kanda bristled internally. What was that even supposed to be? If he didn’t sound so earnest, it would be f*cking condescending.
Since they were in a place that included a small dancing area on the side of the bar opposite to them, Lavi somehow spun the entire topic into asking Lenalee to go dance with him. Even if it was only friendly on his part - which Kanda was really doubting at this point, but whatever - he made it happen within a moment. Kanda couldn't even retrace exactly what was said, it was that smooth.
f*cking unbelievable. Kanda wouldn't be able to pull off something like that even if someone gave him a f*cking manual for it. No wonder dating just wasn't working for him. He was just incompatible with the entire concept, probably.
His smooth motherf*cker friend number two – number one if he made it a ranking, really – made a thoughtful hum at the entire scene.
"What?" Kanda snapped at him, not liking the look in his eyes.
"Nothing. Just thinking. Jealous, BaKanda?" His tone sounded weirdly... bored? Maybe.
Kanda was honestly surprised at the question. "Jealous? Of what?"
Allen drank more of his co*cktail through the straw, jerking his head vaguely towards the dance floor.
The motion of his lips, the look in his eyes... Kanda cough have almost convinced himself it was an invitation. The bathrooms were even right past the dance floor. But of course, that wasn't it. No matter how socially inept Kanda was, he wasn't that stupid. It was only that alcohol always sent his mind into the gutter. For the sake of his sanity, he was going to pretend that Allen never did this to him in normal circ*mstances.
He scoffed derisively, like the bean's comment deserved. "Whichever of them you mean, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"You don't glare like that for nothing, I would say."
Kanda was almost amused by that. He smirked, "Oh yeah? Since when?"
"No, no, you misunderstand me. That was like number three on the scale of your glares, not the basic one. Something is up, I'm sure."
Kanda snorted. "You a specialist, Beansprout?"
"It’s Allen. And of course I am, you glare at me all the time," Allen said, drawing from his straw again as he looked at Kanda expectantly. He would let it go if Kanda really didn’t want to tell him, though. He always did.
Kanda was looking right back at Allen, at his face, at his eyes, at the hint of his tongue when he grabbed for the straw. But his observations were definitely not very productive to the conversation. He looked away, towards the dance floor again.
If this was years ago, Kanda wouldn't even consider saying anything about what was bothering him. But by now Allen has proved to him beyond any doubt that he could be discreet. He was also... ugh, a real friend who cared about him. No matter how horribly cheesy that sounded and how disinclined Kanda would be to ever admit out loud that he was even aware of it.
And Kanda could maybe use some help, he felt. Maybe an advice or something, he didn’t even know. Even if getting it from Allen, of all people, would be really f*cked up in a way. Kanda still threw him a glare before he said anything, albeit a weak one.
"I don't understand how people do this. Not getting it pisses me off, that's all."
"Do 'this'?" Allen's white eyebrows drew together a little and Kanda wanted to smooth them out. That confused look didn't suit him. "Do what?"
Kanda felt instant discomfort at having to explain it more, but alcohol was making him pleasantly buzzed so he let that feeling win out and said, "If I was into her like Lavi is, it wouldn't even cross my mind to ask her to dance. Even if she was literally talking about dancing and the dance floor is right there. sh*t, or more like, maybe I would have thought about it, but finding the right words... It doesn't even fit in my head that this comes naturally to smooth bastards like you or that idiot."
Allen paused mid-lean towards his straw. Somehow that was an even more suggestive and distracting image than before, especially with how he was gaping subtly, his gray eyes wide.
Kanda had to look away. It took a few beats before Allen answered. "Huh. So you do care about things like that. I'm surprised you even noticed about Lavi, didn't think you would. I mean, since—," he visibly interrupted himself, probably holding back some insult, for whatever reason. "Did you miss your chance to twirl your date around?"
Kanda winced at the very mental image. "Dancing is not the point. I f*cking wouldn't for anything. I'm just talking about the general idea."
"You mean... about flirting?" Kanda made the mistake of looking back at him then. He didn't seem to be mocking him, but he was definitely a little amused. His smile looked... coy.
f*ck.
f*ck this guy.
"Yeah, I guess. Whatever." Kanda finished the rest of his drink in one go.
"So, I take it your date could have went better," Allen observed delicately.
It was a f*cking disaster.
The girl was very nice, and she's been nothing but sweet the entire time. That was kind of the problem. Because she was like that, Kanda felt like he never had anything to say that would feel appropriate.
He kind of tried to convince himself he was just being awkward for no reason. But once he did start to talk more freely, the mood steadily worsened before the date ended in the girl's tears. He wasn't even sure what did it. She assured him he did nothing wrong, so go figure.
"It was a f*cking disaster," Kanda said. He refused to elaborate further. Even if he didn’t really think Allen would mock him for this… sh*t, Kanda himself would in his place. Him being so bad at dating that he made people cry was just too f*cking much.
"Sorry to hear that," Allen said, sounding not sorry at all. It was one of those courtesy things people said, Kanda completely couldn't appreciate the sentiment.
"It's not for me," Kanda said.
Allen begun stirring the remains of his drink, moving the chunks of ice around. He took his time looking up, then watched Kanda through his eyelashes for a moment. Kanda wasn't even sure why he was feeling warm all of a sudden. "Well, maybe you haven’t—"
Whatever Allen was going to say, it was interrupted by twin giggles personified that appeared back at the table. Both Kanda and Allen jumped at the sudden company, but their friends didn't seem to notice, exchanging casual touches with each other and laughing as they moved to sit back down.
"This place is amazing.”
“Allen, you should give it a go, too. It really feels like singles' night, you'd get swarmed."
"I'm good for now, maybe later," Allen answered with a smile and Kanda wondered if only he noticed how strained his words sounded, even if he was smiling.
Another chance to talk more privately with Allen was not arriving at all, after that.
For what felt like forever, Kanda was lost in his thoughts. Drinking slowly, he pretended to be semi-participating in the current conversation at the table like usual. Instead, he was really hung up on the bean's stupid unfinished sentence.
Why did he even care about sh*t like this?
Except he knew very well why. It only made him more annoyed.
He was really done with himself. Despite his best efforts to control or at least ignore his feelings, it really wasn't f*cking working.
Trying to get over his stupid... thing for Allen by dating only brought Kanda right back to thinking about him almost every single time. f*cking somehow.
This time it was really Kanda’s own fault. He shouldn’t have said anything.
When Allen drifted towards him as soon as an opportunity finally presented itself, Kanda immediately forgot everything he was thinking.
Maybe this was really the problem.
They were by the bar, neon lights throwing colorful patterns on Allen's white hair. What notably took away from his charm at the moment was that he was really f*cking drunk. He nearly swayed in place.
"You look like you've had enough," Kanda said, bodily blocking Allen’s passage, his own drink already in hand.
"Nosnense, I'm fine," Allen said, slurring a little. He thumped his palm onto Kanda's chest. It seemed unintentional how hard he actually slapped him. Kanda’s drink sloshed precariously. Allen must have measured the distance wrong from the looks of it; he wobbled a bit. He didn’t seem to really care about getting through to the bar. "Kanda, listen. It’s important."
"Mhm," Kanda was very unconvinced. But either way, he was definitely not leaving the bean alone in this state now that he found him again. "What."
"You should date a guy, you know. I bet it's gon' go better with a guy."
"Uh-huh.”
"No. Seriously!" His drunkenly hazy eyes widened.
Kanda was sure he wanted to follow this up with some kind of reason, but whatever kind of drunken logic this was— "What makes you think I haven't tried?"
Allen pulled an exaggerated face of shock. Kanda was getting honestly annoyed. He really disliked talking to people on a different level of drunkenness. It was always so erratic.
"Were you trying to make a point with that?" he asked, even though he expected that was counting on too much.
"I'm just sayin', there are probably more guys than girls who wouldn't mind you being a bit of an ass from time to time..."
Kanda blinked. How did Allen even know that that was a problem? He hasn't told him that part.
Okay. That was probably a stupid question.
But to be fair, Kanda thought that really was not the only reason. He tried to say as much, before.
Either way, Allen was wrong. Or at least the one guy Kanda tried to date was actually the person he brought to tears the fastest. "It's definitely on a personal basis, Beansprout."
Allen had the decency to blush and he looked around a bit helplessly before settling on him again. "Yes, you're right. I'm just saying—!" But he didn't continue the thought, only curled his fingers into Kanda's shirt where his hand was and tugged a bit, eyes blazing almost feverishly. He wasn’t finishing the sentence.
"You really look f*cking sloshed," Kanda pointed out snappishly, in honest concern, and slowly pried Allen's fingers from his shirt. "Come on, you have no business by the bar anymore." With that, he led him back to their table by the wrist.
They haven’t separated for the remaining hour that they’ve stayed at the spot. However, most of the patrons were already so far gone that someone joined their table nearly every five minutes, last-minute trying their luck to take someone home or whatever – the place was slowly becoming emptier.
Whether it was to f*ck with Kanda and his problems, or it was his idea of fun, Allen took it upon himself to half-heartedly flirt with all of them – whether they came over to chat with him or with Kanda. He turned down each inevitable offer.
Kanda was glaring at him the entire time. All he got for his efforts was a wink.
Unexpectedly, the topic of Kanda’s dating life came up again, when him and Allen waited for new empty taxis to arrive, after Lavi, Lenalee, and some strangers occupied the available vehicles.
Allen was still remarkably Not Sober. Kanda had been stubbornly stopping him from going up to the bar again but the people he cheerily chatted with were more than happy to offer him whatever he wanted.
But now Kanda was much drunker, too. It was a side-effect of coping with Allen flirting with people right in front of his face.
“You know, Kanda, I bet you just. You know. You need someone to point you in the right direction.”
“You’re the one always getting lost. Idiot,” Kanda said at first, thinking too slow to immediately get it.
“No, no. Romantically.”
“What.”
“I mean. If you went on a date with someone who knew what they were doing, you know. I bet you could just learn to flirt by being flirted with.”
By this logic, Kanda should be a master by now. A f*cking Casanova. “That ‘so f*cking stupid.”
“You’re stupid. It makes perfect sense.”
“So, what? You offerin’, sprout?”
Allen stiffened for a moment, something almost like panic crossing his face. But he quickly recovered. “I could be. Unless you wanna ask Lavi a favor?” He raised his brows at him, clearly knowing Kanda would immediately hate the idea. “Don’ know what Lenalee would say, though. I’m clearly the safer option.”
Kanda snorted, barely even feeling nervous despite the conversation topic as they stood there, shoulder to shoulder. Instead, his chest felt kind of warm.
“What is it, Kanda? Intimidated by a bean sprout?” Allen leaned in a bit as he said that, voice sweet and a little breathy, smelling of alcohol. It was probably aimed to annoy him but achieved something else entirely.
Kanda shoved at him. "Dream on. Text me the time and place when you sober up." As an afterthought, he added, "I'll f*cking kill you if anyone hears about this."
Allen just kind of laughed, nodding drunkenly.
Kanda knew Allen wouldn't talk and, stupider still, it wouldn't even matter all that much if he did. If Kanda embarrassed himself on their pretend date or however they called it, it would already be in front of the person whose opinion he cared about the most.
To his still-tipsy self, it still sounded like a great idea.
A date with Allen? f*ck yeah.
When Kanda woke up the next day, it felt like decidedly less great of an idea.
It was going to be a disaster – in a very new way.
If it was even going to happen, which Kanda severely doubted. Allen would recognize immediately what a stupid thing he offered the moment he first thought about it today. For sure.
After all, why would he even do this? Just because Kanda confided in him? To help because Kanda was troubled, even though it was something like this?
Not like that would be completely unlike him.
It wasn’t even exactly like he offered. Kanda kind of talked him into it.
On the other hand… Allen seemed pretty fixated on the topic last night. Kanda didn’t really think so at the time, but now, in perspective, it felt odd. He tried to pretend it wasn’t making him hopeful.
There wasn’t much else on Kanda’s mind, however he tried to distract himself. Even after his – delayed by over-sleeping – exercising routine, a grocery trip, a quick call with Tiedoll and even dinner, Kanda’s mind kept going back to Beansprout.
Tomorrow 6 PM?
The text brought his mind to a screeching halt as soon as he saw it when he checked his phone.
No way.
And. Tomorrow?
But it wasn’t like he had other plans. It was Sunday. His hangover should be completely gone tomorrow, too. He never had one that lasted longer than a day and he wasn’t even feeling that terrible today.
And, as for if he wanted to, he didn’t even need to think about it. Disaster or not.
Okay.
The response came soon. I’ll come get you.
In the short span of little more than twenty-four hours, Kanda didn’t manage to convince himself that this was really happening.
Beansprout was going to take this back. Probably make fun of him for even falling for it.
Except he wouldn’t. At least the second part.
And he didn’t. Neither. The entire time until 6 PM, there was radio silence from his end.
Kanda was ready to go at half to. The bell rang nearly on the dot.
Right before he opened the door, an irrational wave of something like panic washed over him.
He didn’t even know what he was thinking was about to go wrong, but he just did. It could be a number of things.
Like, what if Beansprout brought flowers or something? To show Kanda how it’s done? He would probably die.
But what he found behind the door was just Beansprout. He looked really good, but that wasn’t even any kind of a surprise.
Although… he went as far as to wear those damned tight pants that practically forced Kanda to stare at his ass all the time. Kanda would recognize them everywhere, even from the front.
He was also wearing a small smile, a little sheepish but definitely no mockery in sight.
“Hello, Kanda. Are you ready to go?”
Kanda couldn’t help his unease, so his confirmation came out gruff.
The way to the parking was silent in a mildly awkward way, but from there, it got easier. For one, Kanda had questions. They got inside of Allen’s car and he still had no information. “Where are we going?”
Allen’s answer was a vague “Dinner and movie.” His voice sounded light and pleasant, he seemed to be in a good mood.
Kanda smirked at him before moving to fasten his belt on the passenger seat. “Very original, Beansprout.”
“Ah, you’re mean to me!” Allen pointed an accusatory finger at him. “That’s your only warning. Next time it’s gonna be a strike. You can’t be mean to me today, I’m your fantastic date. And Allen, also. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before?”
Kanda snorted.
“Besides, original is not the point.”
“So how many strikes do I get before my ‘fantastic date’ ditches me?” Kanda has never put in so much effort to make sure a phrase sounded sarcastic before in his life.
“What?” Allen blinked.
“I need to know how much ammunition I’m working with here. How many.”
Allen sent him a deadpan kind of look. But then he said, “Six?”
Kanda jutted his chin out a bit, angled his face, wondering what Allen was thinking. It was more than he expected. “I can work with that.”
“If I gave you three, I wouldn’t even get to finish dinner.” Allen clearly tried to look annoyed, but his eyes betrayed— something else. He looked away too fast for Kanda to really get a good look, though. But there was a touch of amusem*nt there, definitely.
“Who’s being f*cking mean now? Think I can’t be civil? I’ll civil the sh*t out of you, Beansprout.”
It was ridiculous. And already much more fun than any date Kanda remembered going on recently. They didn’t even leave the f*cking parking yet and Kanda already wanted to kiss him.
That part probably wasn’t in the program, though.
“Yeah, okay, that’s your first strike, Kanda.” Beansprout was laughing as he took the wheel.
Kanda accepted the strike with grace, even though they both knew this shouldn’t have even counted.
It was already during the short ride that something shifted. Kanda was watching him in the rear view mirror, only realizing while Allen was silent that maybe he was nervous. He noticed each of the few times Allen glanced at him, even if he was trying to be subtle about it.
Was this date maybe… for real?
Kanda’s initial nervousness came back with a vengeance. When he was still half-convinced Allen just wanted to show him up or something, the prospect of Kanda f*cking this up was much less terrifying than right now.
But, yeah, okay. He was already in the bean’s f*cking car. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it.
It felt like they were too close all of a sudden, which didn’t make any sense. They weren’t even touching. The car felt intimately small. He could see Allen’s entire silhouette as he sat there, driving. Some of his half-long white strands were already slipping out of his ponytail.
“Do you like Thrillers?” Allen asked after what was probably less than two minutes but felt like forever. “I already got us the tickets. Was the most interesting they had on…”
Kanda didn’t even understand, consciously, why he felt so wary of speaking. It was just hard. But this wasn’t a big deal, obviously. Still, when he spoke, it was quieter than he intended, “Thrillers are fine. I saw a few that weren’t too bad.”
“Good.” Allen smiled a little, eyes on the road. “There was an okay-sounding comedy, too. But I figured you probably—”
“Yeah, no, Thriller’s better. Comedies are not funny at all.”
“You clearly didn’t see the good ones,” Allen said, then paused. He glanced at him, and for a moment Kanda thought he had another offer on the tip of his tongue as he tried to speak. But eventually he just said, “I agree that most are bad, though. Didn’t want to risk it.”
Allen didn’t say anything else, and for Kanda it was one of those moments where he couldn’t even begin to imagine what could he add. Or how to start another topic, for that matter.
It was pretty nice to think that Allen put some thought into this, considered what Kanda would prefer. But, what, was Kanda supposed to say something like that? He would honestly rather die, even if for once he actually cared very much whether his date had a good time with him or not.
By the time it occurred to Kanda he could have just asked what they will be eating, Allen was already parking in front of a restaurant.
And it immediately became obvious why Allen asked him about the movie while he didn’t even bother to mention the food. This was Kanda’s favorite restaurant.
He would have probably figured out where they were going on the way here if he hadn’t been so focused on Allen…
Kanda couldn’t help sending him a quick smile so he also scoffed for good measure, self-conscious. He didn’t see how Allen would even know. “Who did you ask?”
“Daisya,” Allen said, not even bothering to hide it. He grinned, looking a bit smug and a whole lot kissable. “Is it okay?”
It wasn’t okay. Daisya was going to tease Kanda about this every chance he got. But Kanda wasn’t in such a rush to ruin the mood, however puzzled that very mood made him. “It’s fine.” Kanda didn’t get why Allen sent him a surprised look at first, but it was quickly forgotten when it transformed back into a grin.
It was only after they walked in and sat down at the table where Allen’s reservation was that the weirdness of the situation really struck Kanda.
They were rarely really alone. And if ever, it wasn’t like this. Not where there was barely any other choice but to look at each other.
Allen was close, he felt much closer than at the bar two days ago, even though the difference was probably barely there at all.
When their eyes caught, Kanda found himself unable to look away from the familiar gray, calm but wary now. Kanda shifted, just once, like he needed to get more comfortable and not like he wanted to squirm.
And he bumped his knee against Allen’s on accident.
And Allen didn’t even blink before brushing right back. Only something in his gaze shifted. The current of warmth from Kanda’s knee to the base of his spine was so f*cking potent it was ridiculous.
What the f*ck.
What the f*ck.
Kanda swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat, and had to look away.
When his eyes were inevitably drawn to Allen again, the bean was staring down at the menu. After tense few seconds, he threw Kanda a quick glance. Then, voice strange, he said, “Which soba are you having?”
“Zaru Tempura,” Kanda said automatically.
It was only when the waiter approached and Allen ordered two portions of Zaru Soba Tempura and two of Mitarashi Dango and two cups of Genmaicha that Kanda realized why he even asked.
“It’s cold,” Kanda said as soon as the waiter went away.
“What?”
“Zaru Soba is served cold, are you sure about that?”
Allen co*cked his head a bit, gaze puzzled but a small smile around his lips. “So are Gazpacho, Ceviche and Salmorejo. Which I like.” He laughed, a breathy little noise. “Are you worried I won’t like it?”
“More like I’ll f*cking kill you if you don’t eat it properly.” Yeah. Okay. That maybe wasn’t exactly what Kanda was thinking. He couldn’t help but get defensive, though.
A switch was flipped immediately. Beansprout’s expression was stormy. “Well, I was hoping you could show me how to eat it properly. But I guess it’s really beyond you, huh.”
f*ck.
Kanda glared at him helplessly.
“It’s a strike, by the way. Threatening to kill your date is not very nice. Kanda.” A deadpan.
“sh*t, I could have never figured that out without your help, Beansprout.”
The look Allen sent him was completely stupefied, as if for a moment he actually believed Kanda was serious or something. Kanda couldn’t help it and snorted.
Allen’s frown got wobbly, before he gave in and laughed. “I knew it.”
He bumped Kanda with his knee again, this time staying close.
f*ck.
Kanda both wanted to withdraw his own leg and didn’t dare to move.
In a way, it was much nicer than that intense and unexpected wave of heat before. It was still warm, but instead a steady presence. His body seemed to be giving a first-grade importance to this contact. He was so aware of it that he could barely think of anything else.
When he looked at Allen, he was staring at the menu again. Kanda was kind of seeing a pattern here.
He was torn.
Allen was clearly staring at one point in the menu. Kanda really doubted he was f*cking reading anything right now.
Annoying.
He seemed to catch himself and pressed his lips together briefly, then shifting to the opposite page as if he was actually reading, only to give it the same treatment, a faint flush soon appearing on his cheeks.
Adorable.
Whatever he was thinking, he suddenly pulled a strange face and Kanda wanted to crack his skull open to see what was happening inside.
No, annoying.
“Hey Kanda, so where do you work?” Allen gave Kanda a quick grin as he said that.
Definitely annoying.
“What. The f*ck.”
“We have to talk about something. That’s how dates usually go, right? Getting to know each other and so on… How am I supposed to give you a proper presentation otherwise?”
Okay, no, all of this definitely wasn’t for real.
Kanda was so f*cking stupid. Allen really was just trying to show him up, wasn’t he? Kanda was probably going to regret this day until the end of his life.
Awesome.
Kanda withdrew his leg. Ridiculously, Allen looked actually startled for a split second. He almost made Kanda think he was going to address the contact out loud. But no.
“Unless… what? Do you want me to ask about things I don’t already know? Like…” Allen didn’t finish. But his smile was small and sweet, entreating.
But Kanda was really, really f*cking annoyed with him right now.
The smile softened that up only a little bit.
“Otherwise, what, am I supposed to pretend you haven’t hauled your ass to like five of my kids’ tournaments?”
Allen laughed. Strangely, though, his eyes drooping just a bit. Maybe the timbre of his voice seemed a little lower, too.
“What?” Kanda asked, feeling warm. And still annoyed. Definitely.
“Nothing…” Allen said, the look in his eyes proving only that it clearly wasn’t nothing. Then, probably just to distract him, but still with the same pleased little smile, he said, “I can’t get over how you call them your kids.”
This gave Kanda a pause. It sounded wrong, somehow. When Allen said it. It sounded much better in Kanda’s head. “I don’t f*cking mean it like that. What am I supposed to say, students? Trainees? Too f*cking long. And it sounds too serious for those brats.” Kanda clicked his tongue, uncomfortable.
“Sure, sure.”
“I don’t care about them.” He didn’t. They were awful. During trainings he couldn’t look away even for a moment for one of them not to start f*cking up the postures, even though most of them repeated those postures hundreds of times by now.
“Oh, but I know, don’t worry. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Your amount of not care is really something. You don’t even swear in front of them! You have no idea how impressed I was.”
“f*ck the right off.” Kanda glared, crossing his arms.
“T-third strike,” Allen said, but he was laughing. In fact, he was laughing so hard that he had trouble saying the rest of it. “S-stop being so defensive over it. You’re great with them, it’s adorable.”
“You’re f*cking adorable.”
What. No.
For a terrible moment, Allen froze, staring at him like a startled wild animal. Kanda’s pulse climbed rapidly, ice gathering in his gut.
“Pffft, Kanda, that’s not an insult.” And then he was laughing again. “That’s what always repeating after me gets you, hahaha.”
sh*t.
f*ck.
Kanda was not about to correct that idiot’s line of thinking.
That was a close one, f*cking hell.
Kanda was very relieved, obviously. So he was not very sure why exactly was he also annoyed again.
Somewhat shyly, Allen broke the silence, “So, really, do you want me to ask…”
A waiter approached with their food just then. Both him and Allen jumped in their seats. Again.
It was just like back at the bar. Reminded of it, Kanda couldn’t help but wonder what Allen wanted to say back then again.
As for right now, he had a vague idea.
They were both quiet until the waiter left, except for Allen’s polite “thank you”.
As always when they weren’t arguing while talking alone, Allen put their conversation on hold whenever someone approached. It always drove Kanda insane.
Like no one else had the right to hear what they were saying to each other.
Kanda was just thinking about that, watching Allen, as he waited for everything to be set up so that they could be left alone and continue.
He wondered if they even looked like two people on a date, from the outside.
“So, how do I eat this?” Allen asked first thing, looking between him and the soba.
Apparently, they weren’t going to continue where they left off. Didn’t Allen want to know something about him? A thing “he didn’t know”, he said. “Like…” Like what? Again, Kanda couldn’t even place why Allen giving up so easily annoyed him. It wasn’t like he wanted to be questioned by him on a fake f*cking date, of all things.
Right? That would be stupid.
“Noodles here, tempura here,” Kanda said impatiently, pointing at his own tray.
“Uh.” Allen sent him an exasperated look.
Whatever.
Somehow, this turned into a brief glaring contest.
“What more did you want me to say, it’s not complicated.”
“You’re so charming,” Allen said, visibly annoyed.
Clearly for no f*cking reason, too, because he did everything just fine when he grabbed a piece of tempura that was probably lotus root with his chopsticks, dipped it in the correct sauce and took a bite.
Kanda would not be able to explain in a million years why he was nervous.
All he knew for sure was that whenever it happened that them and others were in a Japanese restaurant for whatever occasion, Allen wanted to always try the entire menu except the soba.
Kanda looked at him chewing. Then at the soba, the other sauce. Back at Allen.
This bit didn’t go as smoothly as the previous, but Allen, now blushing, successfully and gracelessly slurped a bunch of noodles.
“I have no idea why I expected it to be spicy. It’s very mild. I like it. It’s good,” Allen said after he chewed, when Kanda was still obviously waiting.
“Which part of this looks spicy to you?” Kanda asked, a spot confused when the question made Allen blush more, for no apparent reason. “Good is good,” Kanda finally said.
Not that he has ever witnessed Allen dislike a food. Spicy or not, for that matter. But that was really beside the point.
“You’re not eating,” Allen said. “It’s your favorite food, isn’t it? Why aren’t you eating?”
Too many butterflies.
“I’m eating.” Kanda split his chopsticks with a snap, and started eating.
When they were maybe halfway through, Allen started glancing towards the dango plates.
“You can have all of it,” Kanda said.
He really didn’t care either way. He wasn’t a fan of sweet food and… he really thought he was being nice, actually. Beansprout loved the stuff.
But Kanda realized his mistake. Allen was actually pissed off at this.
He pulled both plates closer to himself. “Of course I can, I invited you and I’m paying. I wasn’t going to let you have any in the first place.”
Well, f*ck.
Was it normal to be this protective of your favorite food after all, or something?
Kanda honestly figured it was one of those things that were just mysteriously FUBAR about himself.
“Give me the dango.”
“No.” Allen was glaring.
“Give me my dango, Beansprout.”
“Never. It’s not your dango, it’s my dango. I don’t share my food.”
“Give me. The dango.”
“Not even if hell freezes over. Kanda.”
Kanda clicked his tongue. “Tch.”
f*cking unbelievable.
Pissed at what he was even doing, he took the lotus root from his plate and dropped it to Allen’s. He glanced towards the dango. The trade really wasn’t worth it.
But the way Allen shoved one of the dango plates towards him immediately, eyes wide and bright with something, made it stop feeling like that.
Not wanting to make his mistake worse, Kanda pulled the plate even closer right away. Except, as he looked between Allen and the dango, he lost the battle with himself.
“They’re not supposed to swim in sauce like that.” Kanda lifted his plate and tilted it over Allen’s, letting the excessive sauce slowly and stickily spill over.
Allen gasped, but it was mock-offense this time. “Who complains about too much sauce? It should be illegal what you’re saying.”
Kanda rolled his eyes at him and lifted the plate closer to his face when he decided it was enough. He wiped the syrupy sauce on the edge of the plate with his finger and briefly sucked it into his mouth to get rid of it.
He grabbed one of the sticks and lifted it to his lips.
Allen was watching him, the gray of his eyes a little darkened, face so focused it was almost funny.
But then Kanda leaned in, opened his mouth to take a bite of one of the round dumplings and abruptly Allen’s eyes were gone.
Which was good. Kanda couldn’t eat like that, damn.
But Allen’s stare was back soon, imploring, when Kanda was about to leave the second stick be for now and go back to the soba.
Kanda tried to ignore him, took the set aside chopsticks back into his hand.
“Kanda,” Allen said, tone warning.
Kanda bunched up some of the noodles and dipped them in the sauce, before letting the familiar and comforting flavors settle over the – admittedly not too bad, and flavorful instead of overbearing – sweetness in his mouth. Since Allen was still staring when he finished chewing, he grumbled half-willingly, “It’s fine. Goes well together.”
It was only when Allen’s eyes widened, and then he looked away, and then drank nearly all of his tea basically in one go that Kanda realized he just said something that maybe sounded…
Uh.
sh*t.
Neither of them said anything anymore until they were done eating. When Allen shifted his knee to him again, Kanda let it be.
Technically, they had one more disagreement before they left, but it was a brief thing.
“Hey, I invited you! I told you I’m paying.” To Allen, this was clearly some absolute rule that Kanda was unaware of.
“You also said you already paid for the cinema, shut up.” Then, Kanda huffed, “It’s not like you managed to invite me entirely on your own, either, Beansprout.”
Allen didn’t have anything to say to that. That was, besides a moody, “It’s Allen.”
The waiter was nearly chuckling as he stuttered out the price, and Kanda immediately just wanted to be outside already.
It happened soon enough.
They walked out, Kanda right on Allen’s heels, pleasantly reminded of the pants the bean was wearing again.
Allen stopped in front of him on the sidewalk for a moment, pulled out his phone and started fiddling with it. His posture was all prim and proper, with legs straight and neck bent as he looked at the screen.
After a longer moment, he abruptly turned around to face him. Kanda looked away and cleared his throat, hopefully subtly.
“So, uh…” Allen started, somewhat helplessly. “I know where the cinema is, okay?”
“Okay,” Kanda said, slowly, really fighting the urge to f*ck with him.
“I know the address, it’s just, this map—” Allen poked at the phone again, clearly unhappy. He was pouting a bit. He sighed and pocketed his phone. “I. I wanted to walk there… But whatever, let’s just go back to the car and—”
“Is it close? What’s the address.”
Allen gave him the address and Kanda did happen to know the direction, so he just said “Come on,” and they soon fell into step side by side.
It was late April, the evening was pretty pleasant, temperature comfortable with only a light jacket over Kanda’s shirt. They were walking slowly. It was peaceful.
Kanda wouldn’t want this silence broken, especially. But then it occurred to him that if the movie tickets were already bought, there should be an hour that they had to make it for.
“When does it start?”
“7:30.”
It was fine, then. They still had over twenty minutes to get there, according to Kanda’s watch.
The following silence was brief. Now that they already started talking, Allen seemed encouraged to keep it going.
“So, you…” he begun haltingly.
Kanda threw him a glance. It made him wary how difficult of a time Allen seemed to be having with the question. What was even coming?
“You finished the Botany major, right? But you’re a Kendo instructor, so… You never thought to do something with Botany?”
Kanda frowned. Was that it, seriously?
Beansprout was so f*cking weird sometimes.
Allen looked at him and obviously misunderstood his expression, because he added, huffing “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
Kanda gave him a look, and before Allen could add anything more, said, “It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. It’s just that the Kendo thing happened and I was okay with accepting the position. To try, at least.” Because he did like Kendo, even if the kids made him apprehensive at first. And it’s been working, surprisingly. Kanda shrugged. “Now I’m thinking maybe I could use Botany later, when I’m older or something. It’s not like I’ll be able to do sports around the clock forever. Probably.” He was likely going to try, though.
“Oh. Yeah, makes sense,” Allen answered. He was smiling to himself when Kanda looked at him.
“Why?”
“Huh?”
“Why did you ask?”
“I just…” Allen shrugged, eyes to the front. “I didn’t know. I wanted to ask.”
Ah. So that was the kind of thing he was on about before. Weird.
And… kind of nice. Maybe.
It didn’t feel as surface-level as the small talk on Kanda’s dates, usually. Kanda wasn’t even sure why exactly. There was very little difference between this and the questions he usually heard about his “career” and whatnot, right? And yet…
Kanda didn’t know what to ask him in turn. What didn’t he know, even? He was drawing a blank.
He felt like he was pretty well-informed about Beansprout, actually. The pieces he did miss – some bits of his history with Mana and his brother… Kanda wasn’t going to ask about them now. Making Allen sad was the last thing Kanda wanted to do when he was smiling like that.
He also wasn’t going to ask about Allen’s dating life. It wasn’t right for the situation, and Kanda honestly wasn’t sure he even wanted to know. He knew there was a dating life to speak of. And sometimes he wished he didn’t know even that much.
“What’s the movie about?” Kanda asked. He was kind of frustrated. And yes, he did feel stupid for this question.
Kanda didn’t look at Allen to see his reaction, but when his answer was a stony, “About murder,” it really didn’t take a genius to imagine his face.
Kanda clicked his tongue.
“It’s a fourth strike,” Allen said when only silence from Kanda followed. “Dates are meant to be about getting to know each other better, didn’t you know? It’s a common courtesy to just ask a personal question back, Kanda.”
“Even I know this much, idiot,” Kanda snapped back, feeling humiliated. He wanted to wring Beansprout’s neck.
“I can definitely see how your dates would be pissed off at you if you’re like this.” If Allen was trying to pretend he wasn’t pissed off, he really was doing a very poor job of it.
It was also increasingly obvious that Allen had no idea how drastically different this evening has been compared to all Kanda’s previous dates. Kanda wasn’t in a rush to clear that up. There probably wasn’t even a way to do it, without making himself obvious.
“I don’t know what to f*cking ask you!”
“But it can be anything? There is plenty you don’t know about me. Just pick something.”
Kanda really tried, but still had nothing.
Plenty he didn’t know? Like what?
f*ck. He wanted to know. But… “How am I supposed to know what to ask about things I don’t know about? I don’t f*cking know about them.”
Allen’s angry steps slowed down and faltered until he stopped. “You’re serious,” he said, sounding stupefied.
Kanda glared at him, uncomfortable.
“What do I do in my free time? What’s my favorite book? Anything, really.”
“Your free time is your free time, why would I ask about it? You can just tell me, if you want to. I probably wouldn’t know the book, either. So there is no point asking.” What would a title of a book tell Kanda about him, if he didn’t know the contents?
He supposed he could always read it later, but it was still not the kind of question he thought he should be asking here.
“There doesn’t have to be a point.” Allen seemed placated, even though still a bit confused. Maybe amused, too.
“Why would I ask something if there is no point?”
“Because… it’s nice?” Allen co*cked his head. But then his gaze dropped to the ground. “You should want to be nice. On a date.”
Was it nice? Kanda had a pretty low tolerance towards being asked pointless questions. It was probably a pretty big part of why dating was just not working out and…
Suddenly, Kanda knew what he wanted his question to be.
Leaving what Allen said without reply, Kanda instead resumed walking and asked, “Do you want to go somewhere?”
“H-huh? What do you mean?”
“I mean a place, Beansprout.” Kanda huffed at him. “To visit.” For a date. Or a trip. “Is there somewhere you want to go.”
Whenever they went on a trip with Lavi and Lenalee and sometimes others, it was one of them picking the location. Kanda didn’t think Allen ever pitched in with an idea, much like Kanda didn’t.
“I— I don’t know. I don’t have the answer ready to something like this.”
Well, at least now it was Beansprout’s turn to be nervous.
Kanda snorted, saying, “Do you have to have the answer ready to be asked? You’re the one who said I could ask anything.” Kanda threw him a look, “Maybe I should give you strikes.”
“Of course you shouldn’t,” Allen nearly sputtered. “I’m the smooth one here, remember? You said that. You can’t accuse me of being bad at dating now.”
Kanda threw him a look, “Is that how it works?”
“Yes, it is.”
Allen was blushing. And refusing to look at him.
“Heh.” Kanda smirked to himself, and said nothing.
They still had a bit to walk.
They’ve been really taking their time, so Kanda wasn’t even sure they were still going to make it. He also wasn’t sure if it mattered all that much.
They both seemed content to let the silence be this time.
Kanda really wasn’t expecting it so the sudden contact against the back of his hand was startling. It was just a quick brush against his skin, really nothing big.
He lost his sh*t. Or at least his heart seemed to think so. It felt like it stumbled, before beating faster to make up for it. The skin on his hand tingled.
Kanda wasn’t sure if the fact that he’s had dates and even lovers before was worth anything here. He felt more like an inexperienced teenager right now than when he was an inexperienced teenager.
Kanda would have probably thought the touch was an accident. If it wasn’t for the entire… knee situation back during dinner.
Chest tight, and still looking straight ahead, Kanda brushed back.
Kanda could have sworn he heard Allen’s sharp inhale but it was so brief and soft that Kanda could have imagined it.
Okay. f*ck. This better be for real.
He let their hands collide on the next step, hooking one of his fingers on Allen’s.
Beansprout’s hand jolted. But then Kanda felt him shift his palm, and fingers next, reaching for him until they slotted between his.
Allen’s hand was a little sweaty. It was smaller than Kanda’s, a little. It was also a bit dry under Kanda’s thumb, on the outside. And warm. And really, really f*cking nice.
Kanda didn’t remember ever feeling so much while holding someone’s hand. Has he even held someone’s hand before? He wasn’t even sure right now. If it happened, it was incredibly unmemorable.
As soon as his own feelings settled, Kanda risked a glance at Allen. But he was facing away so far that Kanda barely saw anything of his profile.
Kanda didn’t look anymore, after that. They walked like this probably not even five minutes when they got to the street Allen mentioned before.
Finding the cinema wasn’t hard, knowing the building number. But it wasn’t extremely attention-catching from the outside, rather old-fashioned. It was no wonder Kanda wasn’t really aware before that there was a cinema here.
The hand-holding had to stop for the sake of entering the place; the door wasn’t wide enough.
The first thing Kanda noticed once inside was the smell of popcorn, as expected. Even a cinema as small as this one had popcorn.
“You want popcorn, right?” Kanda asked, already suspecting a yes.
“It’s a cinema,” was the answer.
Because why would it matter that they just had dinner, right?
They were already eight minutes late at that point, but, accounting for the ads, they decided they weren’t worried about it and went over to the snack bar. Allen got popcorn, caramelized nuts and just one soda after Kanda insisted twice that he really didn’t want even a drink.
The right screening room wasn’t hard to find, being one of three. Kanda saw when they entered that maybe a quarter of the seats were occupied, if even that. The ads were still on.
They didn’t bother to check the seats properly, just settled in the one of back rows that had least people in it.
The movie started not very long after that.
Kanda did make a token effort to pay attention to it, but his mind really insisted he had more important things to focus on at the moment.
Like how Allen’s hand felt, how he could still feel the ghost of it. Or Allen’s steady breathing that he could hear all too clearly right now, both because he was hopelessly focused on him and because the room was entirely dark now, making his ears even sharper than usual.
It wasn’t this dark when the ads were still on, but now, with the somber tone and palette of the movie, there was barely any light. When Kanda looked at Allen, he could only see a shape.
The fact that Allen soon started eating his popcorn and drinking the soda, judging by the sounds, was both a blessing and a curse. Both for the same reason – Kanda couldn’t hold his hand like this.
But then Kanda decided it was definitely a curse. When the idea to touch Allen’s leg instead took root.
He wasn’t going to do it. He thought he was probably being weird about the entire thing. He couldn’t believe what some hand-holding did to him. He still didn’t even know what Allen was thinking with this date.
“Beansprout,” Kanda called him quietly, not even sure what he wanted yet. Beside an excuse to lean closer. It was probably altogether not very smart.
“Mfm?” Kanda heard, along a crunch of popcorn.
“You still haven’t taken back that last strike.”
“Why would I? Are you planning something especially outrageous?” Kanda couldn’t even explain it, but he could tell how wide Allen’s smile was just by the sound of his voice. “You still have two left.”
“Point is I didn’t deserve it. It was completely the fault of your sh*tty standards for good date questions.”
“Two left, Kanda,” Allen said, more stubborn about it than Kanda would have guessed. Then, after a beat, he added more quietly, “You deserved all of them equally.”
That gave Kanda a pause.
Seriously?
So. Not at all, right?
“It’s not really two left. It’s just one. When you’d leave after six.”
Someone cleared their throat nearby, very pointedly. It was probably because they were talking. Kanda was very glad to use that as an excuse to move closer towards Beansprout’s ear, closer into his warmth, to really speak quietly when he added, “Unless you wouldn’t?”
A pause. A heavy one.
“O-of course I would!”
Kanda withdrew.
This didn’t feel right at all. Something was very wrong. His thumping heart was laden with unease all of a sudden. He really shouldn’t have done that.
f*ck.
Kanda just sat there, now stiffly. He didn’t know what to do.
Allen wasn’t saying anything so Kanda couldn’t tell how he was doing based on his voice. He glanced over to him, but he couldn’t see him.
Until the movie scenery shifted to indoors, a well-lit place.
Allen looked very stiff, too. Kanda couldn’t see his face well, but his jaw was set and his shoulders drawn-in.
He sent Kanda a glance, and caught Kanda staring. Kanda let him, hoping that his face looked at least a little bit apologetic.
But it probably didn’t. He knew what it looked like, when he was uncomfortable. Not understanding what was going on anymore also made him feel resentful towards how confusing Allen was being, he couldn’t help it.
Allen said, “The point is to help you out with dating, remember? Since you can’t learn how to be nice on your own. But if you’re not even going to be making an effort, why would I go along with you?”
He couldn’t make out Allen’s eyes perfectly in this lighting but he knew that steely, stubborn look very, very well.
Of course they would end up here. f*cking typical.
If Allen wanted to f*ck with him, Kanda could f*ck with Allen, too.
“Really? I thought your point was more specifically to teach me to flirt.” Kanda was right in his face again. He hissed, “Haven’t been flirting with me much, have you, Beansprout? Maybe you don’t know how. Are you sure you’re qualified to be helping me?”
All Allen needed to do was acknowledge the small touches they exchanged to get out of this. Hell, he could even just acknowledge that Kanda was still flirting with him right now, however terribly. Or just f*cking anything else.
But Allen didn’t do any of that. Instead, Kanda saw how he flapped his mouth helplessly, eyes wide with panic.
“Beansprout, you seriously—”
“Excuse me! Please leave if you’re not watching the movie!”
This really wasn’t a place for this discussion.
Kanda clicked his tongue, glared towards the voice uselessly.
“Come on, Beansprout. Let’s get out of here.”
The way back to the car was so much quicker that it was hard to believe it was the same route. Constant sound of popcorn rattling in the cardboard container was there with them every step.
Kanda was going to start seriously hating popcorn. Not that he ever found it great in the first place.
Beansprout said only one thing, “That was the fifth strike, by the way.” He didn’t even elaborate.
What was clear was that Kanda was on thin ice.
Even after they were inside the car and Allen started driving him back, Kanda wasn’t saying anything.
Heh, now it was starting to feel like a normal date. This kind of tense atmosphere was nothing new to Kanda, unlike the rest of today.
If he said something wrong now, Beansprout would probably immediately give him the sixth strike and stop the car or something.
Kanda wasn’t really sure if Allen would do something like that, but he didn’t want to test him.
They had to talk. Kanda knew that.
He just really needed Allen to speak first. He didn’t understand what exactly went wrong. He wouldn’t even know how to ask.
Even though the mood was like this, even though Allen wasn’t speaking and wasn’t even looking at him, he still got out of the car when they finally arrived back at the underground garage of Kanda’s apartment building – to walk Kanda to his door.
When they finally faced each other and Allen looked at him, he didn’t really seem mad or anything like that. More… disappointed. There was definitely something sad in his gaze.
“Despite the ending… I really had fun, Kanda,” he said.
It was a promising start, especially after those long moments of silence. Kanda dared to actually get hopeful again. But it quickly got much more impersonal.
Allen gave him a pale smile before he went for a sarcastic but light, “I’m not sure why you’re having trouble dating. You only threatened to kill me once today, it should be completely acceptable behavior.”
“I had fun, too,” Kanda said, even though what he really had at the tip of his tongue was “You’re so full of sh*t.”
But even though Kanda held himself back…
Allen looked at him for a longer moment, searching.
Then he said, “I better go.”
He didn’t go right away, though. He looked like he was fighting with himself.
It was so incredibly hard for Kanda to make himself speak. “What do I say… for you not to go?” Allen gave him a panicked look. Feeling desperate, Kanda added, “You didn’t give me the sixth strike yet.” He knew he was breathing harder than normal. He hoped Allen couldn’t see it.
“I—”
“You said you had fun. And I did, too. But, from my experience, this is not how dates end if they’re successful.” What Kanda really wanted right now—” You’re not going to tell me what I did wrong?”
Allen looked away. He really didn’t want to answer.
He had to say something eventually, right?
Kanda was starting to doubt it, after a moment.
“I— know you had fun. I figure you like… teasing me? I suppose.” Allen was already not looking at him when he finally said that. For the next part, the faint blush on his face really bloomed. “I-I figure you probably… want to sleep with me…” Allen glanced at him, eyes wide and lost, as if he couldn’t believe what he was saying.
Kanda also couldn’t believe what Allen was saying. He was going to f*cking die. Was he really that obvious?
“But you know, Kanda, I just— wanted to know if you like me. It’s the kind of idiot I am. Because I do. I do like you. A lot. So… I just… Better go. I’m sorry.” Allen was staring at the floor. He turned a bit, really looked like he was about to go this time. But he did send Kanda one last look.
And, for once, Kanda’s face must have been showing how he was feeling, or at least some approximation of it, because Allen immediately became alarmed. “Kanda…?”
Just this much. Just the fact that Allen didn’t go away yet, that he saw him, was all Kanda needed to calm down a bit.
He spoke. “Which part of today made you think that I don’t like you?” As for before, they probably had too much history to ask the same.
Allen’s eyes widened. They looked hopeful for the briefest moment. But then Allen smiled sadly again. “Do you have any idea how many times you glared at me and called me an idiot today? It’s fine, you know, usually. I don’t mind it for a long time now, I don’t even think you really mean it to sound so bad, anymore. But… you also didn’t say anything nice at all.” Allen paused, visibly uneasy. Something in his eyes crumbled a bit. When he continued, his voice was even quieter than before, softer. “I know you can be nice. To Lenalee, for example. Marie, or Tiedoll. Others too, sometimes. But me… You never— said anything nice to me. About me. Not ever. Not even today. I—”
This was possibly the most uncomfortable situation Kanda has ever been in.
The look in Allen’s eyes was beautiful, horrible, and devastating.
Something nice about Allen?
Like how fun he was? How sweet? How caring? How attentive, when he wanted to be? How f*cking resilient? How he was the kindest person Kanda has ever met? How Kanda has rewritten his definition of what being strong meant, since he met him? How his beautiful f*cking face made Kanda want to—
Saying nice things about other people he cared about was much easier. They weren’t those things.
And they didn’t take as much reflection.
It was all too big, too much. He couldn’t just say—
“I really wasn’t counting on a lot… But just one compliment. Or even, even if you just said my name, I would have probably—” He looked to the side, cheeks really red in shame now. He briefly closed his eyes. “Uh. Never mind.”
Kanda swallowed. On pure stubbornness, he made his voice come out. “…I did call you adorable.”
Allen froze. It was that same startled look again, just as when Kanda first said it. Allen turned to look at him slowly… and then his face fell. Weakly, he said, “But. But that was an accident, right? Or—”
“It slipped but I didn’t take it back, did I?”
Allen stared at him. Then frowned, throwing him a look of disbelief. “And you’re sure you don’t mean that as an insult? You’re— you’re glaring at me. Right now.”
“Of course I’m f*cking glaring, I’m uncomfortable,” Kanda snapped, helpless. It really wasn’t obvious?
“And now you’re looking at me like I’m an idiot!” Allen blinked. “Uncomfortable?” Now he was glaring, too. “Why would you be uncomfortable when I’m the one who’s saying how I—!” He faltered, sent Kanda a searching look again. In the end, he still looked unsure.
God. f*ck.
Kanda was uncomfortable because Allen was uncomfortable. Allen just didn’t understand. That he was feeling feelings for both of them, often. Kanda was already long since completely attuned to him. For so long. It happened instantly, during their first argument. Kanda just caught his frequency, willingly or not.
It happened to Kanda sometimes, with people. With Allen, he allowed it to get completely out of control. First he avoided it. But then he chased it and chased it, until he was fine tuned better than any instrument. To Allen Walker.
Kanda was rendered mute by how intensely bad they were feeling right now.
He just really f*cking hoped Allen wasn’t going to be offended for touching him without permission. He didn’t know what else to do but to take a step forward and reach for Allen’s arm to tug him closer.
“H-hey—!”
And then grab for Allen’s hand to place it over his heart. It’s been going at it like crazy for most of the evening, but especially so now. There was literally no way in hell for Allen not to feel that.
He went perfectly still and silent. He had this dumbfounded look on his face, just staring at his own hand on Kanda’s chest.
His fingers shifted over Kanda’s shirt, under the layer of his jacket, palm flat.
“You’re nervous right now?” Allen asked, shifting to look up at his face in disbelief. “You just kind of look like you want to kill me.”
Kanda huffed, closing his eyes for a moment. It was just to calm down a little bit, to try to gather his thoughts, to tuck his eyes away since they bothered Allen so much.
When he opened them again, Allen was closer.
Kanda didn’t expect it but it was more than welcome. His heart did the stumbling thing again, then racing as fast as his thoughts when he looked at Allen’s face right in front of him.
He noticed Allen notice.
He didn’t comment anything. His gaze just softened so unbearably, alight with—
“Kanda…”
With his other hand, the tattooed one, Allen touched his cheek, gently. First just a brush of a thumb, then cradling it.
It was warm, really nice. All Kanda wanted to do was press more into it but he didn’t dare to move.
Not looking away even for a moment, not faltering, Allen got even closer. Kanda could feel the heat radiating off him, his scent.
His eyes were still open, now lidded, even when he was close enough that Kanda could feel his breath on his lips. He was still looking, analyzing, admiring maybe.
“You’re not glaring anymore…” With that, he released something between a gasp and a delighted laugh.
It tickled Kanda’s skin, made the already-there anticipatory pressure below his solar plexus even worse. Whatever Allen was seeing now, he seemed to like it a lot.
Kanda couldn’t keep his hands still past that point, they were drawn to Allen until they rested on his sides. He felt slight but firm under Kanda’s touch. The hold was probably too tight.
He noticed Allen’s eyes close and let his own do the same the instant before he felt the touch of Allen’s lips. It didn’t stay still for very long.
The slow drag of Allen’s lips against Kanda’s made him feel all too warm instantly, heart thudding under the weight of Allen’s palm, a wave of heat and sweetness spreading through his body until he could feel it even in his toes.
But he was feeling guilty. He really was hopeless at this dating thing, wasn’t he? He really couldn’t say anything, couldn’t let Allen know of anything at all. So he didn’t reach for more despite needing to. He just let his lips follow Allen’s, mold to them as he kissed back. He just let him, holding him.
Allen broke the kiss by what felt like a millimeter but had to be more since their eyes met again. He didn’t say anything, breaths quickened just as Kanda’s were. Allen just looked at him, the gray bright and dazed. Just moved his hand from Kanda’s chest to his other cheek and kissed him again.
There was only a bit more pressure to it this time, only a touch more boldness. But there were limits to Kanda’s resistance. And they apparently weren’t very hard to reach.
Kanda deepened the kiss. Only a little at first, only enough to feel more of Allen’s lips, to sink deeper into it. But the moment he felt more, he knew he was done for.
He moved one of his hands to Allen’s jaw, tilted him up more, closer. His other arm curled around him, pulling without Kanda’s conscious input until they were chest to chest, closer. Allen’s hands moved to his back and Kanda moved his touch from Allen’s jaw to the back of his head, threaded his fingers through his hair, loose in its flimsy ponytail, and pulled him closer still.
When Allen made a small, pleasured noise into the kiss, there was no force in this world that could stop Kanda from prying Allen’s lips apart with his tongue.
They both groaned at the initial contact, around each other, gliding wetly, still slowly. The friction was making Kanda feel hotter and hotter, until he could feel tingling along his back, goosebumps breaking out across his arms, hair standing on end on his nape. As they moved against each other, surging and giving, quicker, taking and tilting, Allen’s hands have been slipping lower down the back of his jacket, towards his waist.
Kanda needed his hips closer, he needed to feel—
Realizing this was about to get out of control, even more, Kanda tried to break the kiss, tried to withdraw.
Allen chased him. Just a bit, just a suggestion. Maybe just failing to help himself.
Kanda could only sink back in.
And Kanda needed—
He needed Allen to stop.
Not really. He needed him naked. Right now.
But Kanda was not supposed to be doing this.
How much being called adorable even count for, really? Despite how mortifying it was for Kanda when it happened, it was nothing. Kanda needed to say something else, something—
But how was he supposed to even think, while kissing Allen?
When he tried to withdraw the second time, it worked.
The kiss broke noisily. They were both panting like crazy.
Kanda tried to withdraw fully, but the arm around Allen was refusing to come back to him, it just loosened.
Allen was flushed again. It definitely wasn’t shame now. His hair was a mess, lips full and wet.
Kanda wanted to swallow him whole.
And, with the look in his eyes, half-melted and hazy, Allen really looked like he might want to let him.
“Wanna come in?” Kanda asked in a voice that was barely working, because his only persisting thoughts were really: touch, Allen, and closer. He wanted to add, “If not, it’s better if you go now” but before he could, Allen was already nodding, stare half-mast.
When Kanda was fiddling with his keys and the lock, he could feel Allen literally breathing down his neck. It was very distracting.
But it didn’t take even a minute.
And then they were inside, lock soon turned, lights on, keys thrown onto the cabinet with a loud chink of metal. Kanda took off his shoes automatically and Allen just followed suit without a word.
Kanda was distantly aware he had some sort of a plan when he was still entering, some sort of a specific intention. But when his eyes met Allen’s again, he couldn’t help it and just drifted closer until he could kiss him.
Without tongue, this time. It was just a quick thing. Kanda was just— just trying to tell Allen how lovely he looked right now. He couldn’t stare enough.
Obviously, this wasn’t how talking worked.
When Kanda withdrew, he looked at Allen and just kind of wondered what would be even alright to do right now. Really without stressing about it too much, though.
It must have been because Allen’s eyes, a little cleared up now, were just calm and— curious? Either way, it was definitely not a bad look, with a spark to it. With a pleasant weight.
They were standing in the middle of the passage.
Kanda wanted to— He wanted so many things. If he proposed moving to the bedroom right away, was it going to be fine? Being accused of just wanting sex out of this once was already more than enough.
Allen moved first, but not from their stare lock. Just his hands, touching Kanda’s shoulders until he slipped Kanda’s jacket past them, leaving him in a T-shirt.
When the jacket was completely off, it stayed in Allen’s hold. He should have just dropped it to the ground or something, but he didn’t, instead just looking at him. At his revealed forearms, sliding his gaze across Kanda’s chest and neck, his lips, before he rested on his eyes.
Kanda reached to take the jacket from him, then helped Allen out of his own outer layer. He grabbed the loops on the collars and reached past Allen, over his head, to hang both on the hanger.
Which Allen would have seen easily if only he looked around instead of staring at him.
Kanda definitely wasn’t complaining. He wouldn’t, ever, not when it was a stare like that, from Allen. Like—
Withdrawing his arm from the hanger, Kanda stayed very close. Instead of letting it come back to his side, he wrapped it around Allen, like before. Except right along his skin, under his shirt, in an unhurried slide of his palm.
Allen exhaled a bit louder, through his mouth. That’s all he did, but it was hard to mistake the emotion behind it and Kanda needed to drink that from his lips. He kissed him, feeling kind of dazzled that he just could.
Or at least Allen hasn’t been minding. And he didn’t mind this time, either.
It wasn’t an innocent kind of kiss. It was deep and intense, full of coaxing tongue. Kanda needed him and he wanted Allen to know. He let his other palm join in under Allen’s shirt. He kept the touches calmer than the kiss but really, Kanda was burning up. He wanted to touch him everywhere.
He felt Allen’s chest raising and falling against his as he was kissing Kanda back. His hands fisted in Kanda’s shirt when he was embracing him, pulling him closer, walking a fraction of a step more into his space.
This shirt really needed to go.
As soon as he thought that, Kanda withdrew. He took it off, crossing his arms, and looked right back to Allen when it landed on the ground.
To say Allen was staring wouldn’t do it justice. He was ogling, even though Kanda saw he was trying not to. He looked feverish.
“Heh.” Kanda slid his hair tie out of his hair, letting it fall loose and settle against his skin.
He reached for Allen’s shirt, tugged on it. A request.
Allen was looking at his face and clearly something about it made him hesitate again. But it was brief. In the next moment, he was already taking off his shirt.
It made Kanda warm, another powerful wave. For two different reasons: both because he was seeing more skin and because Allen decided to trust him, whatever happened there for a second. His eyes were sure again, expression open for Kanda to see.
Kanda knew skin contact, he knew this kind of proximity. Usually, he would avoid overdoing it. Not like he didn’t enjoy it, exactly. It could be pleasurable. But he kept his distance, couldn’t help it. Because it was just too much, a touch that was too tingly, too aimed at reaching and drawing out something raw that he didn’t want to share, to show. Even during sex, excess of it felt unwelcome. “Don’t touch my back”, he would always say, first and foremost. But this…
This wasn’t like that at all.
Kanda’s skin was feeling sensitive even before the skin contact, as if begging him to make it happen.
And he did. He moved in, hands on Allen’s sides again. Like before but so much better.
Kanda leaned in to kiss him. But didn’t finish the action right away, first pressing himself close, pulling at Allen. He breathed into his mouth, reached for his jaw.
Allen’s breath stuttered, short and stilted. Kanda gasped.
The kiss was open, wet and uncoordinated. There was nothing tame about it. Kanda bit him, once. Just a nip. He couldn’t help it. Allen’s lips were getting puffy already, well-kissed. Allen gasped at that. Kanda was touching his sides, Allen his. His chest was hot and firm against Kanda’s and it wasn’t— it wasn’t even enough. Of his skin, of the steady burning he felt from Allen, seeping into him, the pleased hum of Kanda’s nerve-endings.
“Touch my back,” Kanda breathed into Allen’s mouth.
Allen’s palms moved along his hipbones, the lumbar area, up along his skin in twin yet mismatched swipes all the way until his shoulder blades, one hand rougher. It was all one, smooth movement. While Allen kissed him.
That really, really wasn’t what Kanda meant, exactly.
Kanda’s body locked entirely, shoulders shooting up to his hot ears, nape scalding, a shiver going through him. Everything felt so tingly. “Fu-f*ck!” He let out a breath, loud, stuttered, eyes shut. He breathed deeply, once, and settled. “Tch. That. That was a lot.”
Allen was stunned, completely frozen, hands mid-air. He had a stupid expression on, jaw kind of dropping, or maybe just still open from their kiss, eyes freaked out. And then his face shifted into something extremely apologetic.
Kanda didn’t let him speak, shook his head. “It’s fine. I didn’t warn you.” He breathed out a laugh. “I kind of liked it.”
Maybe he kind of liked it a bit too much, actually. He moved back in – because apparently his legs took him a step back – and, chests brushing, he kissed Allen deeply, back and scalp still tingling. Kanda licked into his mouth, hand curling around the back of his neck. He sucked his tongue into his own mouth, until Allen groaned, wetly, only able to half-form the sound because of Kanda’s hostage. He’s never done that before, only had it done to him once and asked for no repeats. But he wanted to try now and found that he liked it a lot. When he released Allen’s tongue, his kisses were starved, almost as if he had went too long without plunging into Kanda’s mouth on his own, for those few seconds. Kanda wrapped his arm tightly around Allen’s hips and pulled him in as close as it was possible.
And that. That was Beansprout’s dick. f*ck.
He was so f*cking hard. Kanda felt it, hot, digging against his own body with its weight. Kanda’s own erection fit snugly into the mesh of their bodies too, and his hips stuttered once, helpless. And then he immediately did it again, on purpose, better.
“Ah.” His voice. His voice sounded so good. Always. But right now…
“Allen,” Kanda mumbled, only half-aware. He adjusted the position of his own hips, aligned the two of them together, and started rocking against him, while holding him steady.
“Ahh, ah!” Allen was clutching at him, his shoulders, his neck, fingers catching in hair and pulling Kanda just a little bit, tiny stings on his scalp. He pushed his tongue deep into Kanda’s mouth again.
Yeah. Yeah.
Kanda wasn’t even sure if he walked Allen up to the wall or if Allen pulled him towards it. It could have been both. Allen leaned on it heavily, hands twisting over his head, to push off the wall as he pushed out his hips, rubbing himself against Kanda strongly. It was a good friction, even through their pants. Allen moaned. Only their hips were touching now, and legs. So Kanda could admire him fully, staring. Even his chest was a bit flushed, his alluring body taut.
“Kanda. Kanda,” he sounded so f*cking horny, so f*cking smitten. His voice was cracking. It was a wonder he was still standing. But maybe that sort of didn’t count as standing, anymore. They were both grinding, grinding, moving together, one of Kanda’s hands firmly holding Allen’s ass.
He looked like he was crawling out of his own skin with need, Kanda didn’t even realize when he stared touching Allen’s chest, his stomach. His face, the scar there.
“Ah,” Kanda said, more said than anything else, with his thumb briefly in Allen’s mouth, when Allen flicked his tongue against it.
He could see more than feel when Allen started shaking.
It was good. God, so good. He was gorgeous like this.
But there was just— something to it, like Allen was submitting to all of this almost not volitionally. A desperate current to his body’s motion, a scared sort of tremble right under his skin, starting at Kanda’s fingertips.
Kanda looked into his eyes, wanted him not to worry. He stopped everything they were doing and just pulled him close. Close enough to hold and to cup the back of his head as he pressed him into his own chest. For a moment, Kanda was doing nothing else but just with all his might trying to ignore the demands of his own body. Just calming down. Then he said, “Bedroom or couch?” He hoped it conveyed his intention, the real question, at least a little bit. Allen was choosing how far they were going, how much distance there was going to be left.
Allen’s hands were on his chest, he sounded almost petulant when he said, “Bedroom.”
With the way the mood was going until a moment ago, Kanda kind of wanted to carry him or something. But now that probably wouldn’t be the best idea.
“Okay. Come on, Beansprout,” he said, and grabbed Allen’s hand. At least they had some practice with this part. Kanda entwined their fingers together and walked them down the corridor. “For future reference,” he started, having thought of something he could say. Allen looked at him, curious and open. “Holding hands with you made me horny. I wasn’t trying to be pushy in the cinema. Not intentionally.”
Maybe that didn’t count as nice, exactly. But it was something.
Allen was still following him but gave him a stupefied look, as if Kanda just spoke in an alien language.
Kanda grimaced in discomfort, glaring at him. “What have I said wrong again?” They stopped, right in front of Kanda’s bedroom door. Kanda had a very strong urge to say “Whatever” and go back to kissing him. That probably wouldn’t go great.
“No, not wrong, just—” Allen flapped his mouth for a moment. “Really?”
“Really,” Kanda said, half-unwillingly.
A happy smile bloomed on Allen’s face. He looked away, visibly bashful. And amused, even though it seemed like he was trying to thwart it.
Good.
Kanda pulled him past the door, until they stopped on the side of his bed. When they were there, he first kissed his forehead, his face, holding his shoulders. Then moved to kiss his lips while holding his face. A lot like their first kiss, only him doing it to Allen instead.
He thought of something again. “Do you remember what I said before you invited me? At the bar.”
Allen released that breathy, small laugh Kanda’s been hearing a lot today. It went right to Kanda’s dick which he was trying to ignore with all his might.
God. No kissing anymore. They were talking.
“You admit I invited you?” he grinned, being a little sh*t. He knew very well it was a group effort.
Kanda looked away for a moment.
No kissing. Seriously.
“You’re distracting me instead of answering so I’m just gonna say it.” Kanda looked back at him. “The whole reason you invited me was that— was that I couldn’t find words for some things, remember? I told you that even if I had an idea what to say, I wouldn’t know how to say it.”
Allen’s smile fell. But not in a bad way. He was just listening seriously now, eyes earnest.
“Yes, I remember.”
“Then, I don’t know what you think I meant but I was just trying to say that. I—” God, this was gonna be hard. Even if it was nothing much at all. It was probably going to sound more like excuses than anything else. “I have a lot to say, to you. About you. But I can’t just do it the way you can. I have the intention, not the words. And, by the way, you can’t put me on the spot because nothing will come out. Not because I don’t want to. It just won’t. I know I do that to you sometimes but— with me, it won’t work.” It would have to be an exchange, something Kanda could reflect back and respond. Allen would just have to lead him.
“Oh.” Allen did look surprised. He was thinking about it. When he was done digesting it, he said, “I just kind of thought… you meant that you usually don’t know how to put things in a nice way. And I wouldn’t mind. If you—” He didn’t finish. He didn’t have to.
“That, too,” Kanda said. “But I was trying to tell you about the first thing.” The reason why he was thinking about it back then was because of his recent failed date – it felt like such a joke after today – but really, it was just something he always wanted Allen to understand, at least on some level.
But now, Allen really seemed like he understood. He was starting to look apologetic again.
“I’m not saying this because I want you to be sorry.” Kanda was looking into his eyes, really hoping Allen got that he meant that. “I just want you to know. And I’m trying to ask you—” Kanda looked away. This was really pretty terrible. He was reaching his limit. There was just this— shaking, constricting feeling, deep in his chest, even though his body and voice were steady. “To let me say things in my own time.” A pause, for Kanda to stop his breath from stuttering. He felt that his shoulders and neck were tense. “I’m trying. I will.” And, in a last effort, because it was important for Allen to know that this bout of talking was not coming from nowhere, “Touching is— touching is helping.”
That was it. He could do no more.
He just hoped this wasn’t all a huge disappointment.
Allen got closer. He kissed his forehead, gently. Kanda felt his ears burn, they were probably red.
sh*t.
Allen put his hand on Kanda’s head, threading his fingers through Kanda’s hair, petted him a bit. Kanda moved in closer to hide his face in Allen’s neck, wound his arms around him. He felt and heard Allen’s quick pulse there.
“I can see that you’re trying. Thank you,” Allen was whispering in a sweet voice, shifted to kiss against his hair. “I understand, I really do. Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Kanda said. Because he couldn’t say “I don’t want you to be sorry”, anymore. His throat was locking.
“Well, I’m sorry anyway. And you don’t have to worry about compliments or anything anymore. You’re being very lovely. Really. You just do you. Everything is good. I’m really happy about this.” He laughed softly before he specified, even though he really didn’t have to. “I’m happy that we invited you to this date.”
His voice was light, fingers unhurried. He really meant it.
Kanda held him tighter and didn’t say anything. Allen’s free hand came up to his bent back, this time just a slight touch, an incredibly comforting weight between his shoulder blades, skin to skin.
Breathing was easy again, easier even than usual. Kanda felt like something was melting inside of him, a tension seeping out, very slow but steady.
They embraced like that for a bit. Allen moved his hand from the top of Kanda’s head to his nape at a point, threading through the hair there, rubbing, and that was even better.
“Are you still in the mood?” Kanda asked, because he was. He bit his neck, too eager to pretend this moment of vulnerability didn’t even happen.
Allen jolted, giggled. “I am. But even if I wasn’t, you would need only a second, Kanda.”
“That’s good to know.”
“You already knew it.”
Not necessarily. “Heh.”
“You’re impossible.” He sounded so terribly fond.
Kanda withdrew to look at him. It was a bit hard, after all that. But Allen really was happy, Kanda wanted to look, even if it kind of took a few tries.
Allen started moving in when Kanda’s eyes settled. He was being all charming with his lowered white eyelashes and a soft smile. It was almost too much to look at.
Kanda was watching him the entire time, while he got closer, agonizingly slowly. He was visibly enjoying every second of this.
When Allen finally kissed him, soft and adoring, Kanda couldn’t help the short “mm” deep in his throat. Allen grinned against his mouth.
“Beansprout, what are you doing, being adorable and sh*t. I can’t kiss you like this,” Kanda said, and kissed him even though his grin was too wide and it wasn’t really working, hands in his hair. There was no hair tie in it, anymore. They lost it somewhere.
And then they did kiss. Slow, dirty. Quickly picking up. It was a relief to be kissing him again. It wasn’t even an exaggeration.
But there was just one more thing. One more thing Kanda wanted to echo, “I’m happy we invited me, too,” he said between kisses.
Allen pulled away just a bit. So they could talk while sharing air, staring at each other.
“You really had fun? With me?” It was an honest question. But he didn’t sound doubtful, exactly. He was just… being Allen. Openly for once, instead of playing tough in front of Kanda and pretending he wasn’t.
“It was my best date yet.”
“We’re still here.” Allen looked very happy about that.
“This is not a date anymore.” It just really wasn’t. Kanda hoped Allen would understand he—
“Okay.” He did. Love-struck, flattered.
“The sex was the best, too.”
“We— Oh.” He flushed but didn’t look away, when he got it.
At least Kanda hoped he did get it. That it was the best: if he put just making out with Allen against sex with others.
They were clearly very compatible. Not that it was news.
He pulled Kanda in, with hands on his back. One hand then smoothly moved to his nape, making Kanda start burning as if at a snap of fingers, and Allen’s kiss was deep, emphatic.
Yeah. It was really time to get to it now.
Kanda kissed him a bit more. Then pushed him onto the bed.
Allen didn’t even yelp. Just gasped as he bounced, then grinned.
“Heh.”
He righted himself to a sit up and twisted to crawl to the middle of the bed. Then flopped himself onto his back again.
He threw his arms over his head. It felt like he was showing himself off more than showing surrender. His chest rolled just a bit, amorous eyes not leaving Kanda for a moment.
Not taking his eyes off him, Kanda circled the bed and got the lube along with condoms from his nightstand. Whether they were going to need them or not was not a question. Kanda felt it in the air.
Allen reached to his pants, hands eager.
“Don’t you dare. I’m doing it.”
Allen flashed him a smile, put his hands over his head again. He looked so good, on Kanda’s bed.
Kanda got closer, put everything near Allen’s left thigh.
f*ck. Thighs. Kanda couldn’t wait.
Hands supported on Allen’s sides, Kanda pulled himself up over him, kneeling between his legs, and kissed him, scorching.
There were hands in his hair right away.
God. Good.
Beansprout was being so receptive. Until Kanda kind of just gave himself into it. By the time Kanda moved away, he was feeling a bit hazy, because Allen really just kissed the sh*t out of him.
After looking into Allen’s eyes once more and finding them molten, Kanda lowered himself a bit and kissed his neck, which immediately stretched under him.
He wasn’t really taking his time. Not properly. He just left a few haphazard open-mouthed kisses there, and down his chest. He heard Allen’s quickened breath flutter when he went across it, flicked his eyes to Allen when it happened. He was going to just kiss his way down until he could take off Beansprout’s pants on eye level. He was already hooking his fingers under the waistband.
Plans changed when something happened once he got to Allen’s stomach. At first, it wasn’t much. Kanda just noticed he started squirming a bit – a good sign.
“Ah!” It wasn’t a moan. More like an exclamation. One of his legs shot up when Kanda tongued a spot between his stomach and hip.
“Heh. You have one of those, too?” A spot so sensitive it was almost bad.
Kanda was inexplicably happy about it.
It was in a great place. And on his front, too. It was like they were opposite.
Except they weren’t, not really. They were something else.
“Yeah. Are you going to be nice about it?”
Kanda attacked it with his teeth, his tongue, testing where it started and where it ended, splaying one of his hands on Allen’s stomach, his abs, and sliding himself a bit lower.
Allen’s body locked, he was flailing. And then he started giggling madly.
“Even ticklish, huh.” Kanda could literally not ask for more.
But abusing this knowledge was for later.
Kanda placed one of his hands over Allen’s co*ck, through his pants; cupping, rubbing insistently. Allen pushed his hips up into it immediately.
“Ahhh.” He actually sounded a bit tortured, already. Kanda could also agree they’ve been neglecting themselves for a bit too long.
That didn’t even apply only to today, actually.
Kanda’s erection was straining in his pants. There was no ignoring it this time.
Allen was also rock-hard again, already. Glancing up at him, Kanda opened his pants. He had no patience to be slow about it, each movement purposeful.
“Admit it. Did you wear those pants because your ass looks great in them?” Kanda asked him, pulling them off, not looking away. He was seeing the pale skin of his thighs, he wanted to bite them on sight.
Allen laughed, giving him a look. “Maybe.”
That was to say: definitely.
Kanda took the pants all the way off, and also helped him out of his socks.
Then it was his turn.
He wasn’t trying to make a show of it. But he did kneel up with the rest of his body straight, making sure he was well visible. He undid his belt, the button, the zipper, slid the pants down his hips, his thighs. He wasn’t too quick about it. And he saw it was working. Allen couldn’t look away.
Kanda shifted his knees over the hem when it was low enough. He turned to deal with one leg over his shoulder, then the other. Socks.
Boxers… He paused just to think about it. Consider.
Yeah, boxers, too.
He took them off slower. It was a relief when his co*ck sprung free. His underwear was soon on the ground, where it belonged right now.
He was watching his prey watch him the entire time. Allen was visibly overheating. He was beautiful, wanting him. His eyes were dark.
And then Kanda lowered himself to his elbows and went forward again, over Allen’s hips.
There was a wet spot on his boxers that’s been driving him nuts, where Allen’s precum stained them.
Kanda buried his face into it, mouthing at his co*ck through the fabric. He kneaded his hands into the flesh of Allen’s thighs with relish.
“Aa-aa.” Allen threw his head back, as Kanda found out with a glance. “Kanda… “
“Mm,” Kanda answered, around his bulge, inhaling his musk. It made Kanda’s scalp tingle, his ears felt warm. It was shame, really. A touch of it. But it just added to the sensations. Kanda wanted to experience all of this with Allen, with Allen who just seemed so sure and—
Kanda pulled down his boxers, a bit, tongued at his co*ck while it was still half-trapped.
“Ah! K-Kanda—” Allen pushed his hips out and ended up rubbing his co*ck against Kanda’s face.
God. This was nice.
Kanda sucked him into his mouth, now the base out of the boxers completely and instead in Kanda’s hand.
“Aah! Ah!”
“Mm.”
“P-Please don’t! Kanda, I— I—” His shoulders were drawn up, hips pushing out until he slid just a bit more into Kanda’s eager mouth. Allen’s voice was helpless.
Kanda knew what he meant, exactly.
He popped his co*ck out of his mouth, mumbled, “Relax, ‘m just scouting.” Beansprout was definitely coming with Kanda inside.
Kanda sucked on his balls. His hands went back to his thighs.
“Ah.”
His mouth followed his hands, until he sunk his teeth into the flesh on the inside of his leg. One, twice, again, holding his legs wide.
“Ah!” More surprise than anything else, but still with some pleasure to it.
Good, he liked that. It made his back arch, just a bit. Kanda still probably liked it more.
Then, without detaching himself from Allen in any way, Kanda just slid a hand up his left leg and reached for the lube, still there where he left it.
Allen was watching him when Kanda sat up on his heels. He had an arm across his forehead, panting and looking completely debauched, eyes blazing and barely open. He was gorgeous. And red. Looking at Kanda like he wouldn’t mind ever stopping.
Kanda tried saying it, the gorgeous part, but his mouth didn’t even open.
He opened the lube bottle instead.
He knew exactly what Allen was expecting now. It was yet another reason not to do it but Kanda had a couple.
He squirted a bunch of lube onto his palm, not too much of it.
He put most on his own co*ck, with a few flicks of his wrist as he watched Allen, a soft grunt escaping him.
Allen was staring.
Kanda reached for Allen’s erection next, coating him with the leftover.
Then, Kanda crawled up over him, chest over chest.
“Hi,” Allen said, when Kanda was up in his face again. He looked so dazed.
“Hi.”
“Still scouting?”
“No. It was starting to hurt,” Kanda explained, while grabbing their co*cks together. He had also wanted to kiss Allen. So he did that now.
Allen’s lips were so pliant. And warm. No, hot. Scalding. He felt so needy. And it was only getting worse, as Kanda jerked them together, as their hips moved. The friction felt incredible, lighting his nerves on fire.
Having Allen moan repeatedly into the kiss as Kanda surged against him was literally the best thing.
“Mh.”
Feeling Allen’s co*ck against his was driving Kanda crazy, he could feel it pulse, and burn. It was all slippery because of the lube, he could feel Allen’s shape, his firmness.
Allen touched his back. An incredibly loving touch, just wanting him closer.
“Ah,” Kanda moaned on the next thrust, speeding up a bit.
Allen shivered.
Kanda knew he’s been overwhelming him with his intensity. It was entirely on purpose. He could have been holding back, at least a bit. He just didn’t want to.
Kanda has always kept this in, didn’t even want to let it roam free. This need to completely possess another person’s body. He had never felt it as strongly as with Allen. It really was even stronger than Kanda’s urge to be f*cking him already, inside him, surrounded by him.
And with Allen, he was entirely comfortable to let it out. Nothing has ever felt this freeing.
And… Allen also made him feel many other things. That was new, as well. So Kanda just wanted this to work. He wanted them open to each other, relishing all of it.
When they separated from their messy, open kiss – with Kanda still sliding against him unhurriedly, jerking them, massaging until they were both panting harshly – Kanda just needed to stare at him for a moment.
“I want you,” Allen said, hitched, with Kanda still moving against him.
Jesus. What a thing to say.
His eyes were saying so much more.
Kanda gave him a kiss on the cheek.
It was hard to stop moving against him. But Kanda managed, eventually.
He could actually come like that, he felt. It wouldn’t even take too long, probably. It usually wasn’t that easy.
He touched Allen’s legs again, slid his palms from knees down, until he could grab right below his ass firmly.
“Hold tight,” Kanda said, and Allen simply did, arms around his neck.
He hauled him up, over his lap, while still sitting on his heels. Hours on end of seiza were going to come in handy. This was much more comfortable anyway, since his legs were wide open.
Allen gasped, with the position change. He immediately pressed himself even closer. Kanda was holding him up with one hand firmly on his ass.
Kanda decided this was his favorite position in the world, to be in. Allen was all around him, he felt his weight. His legs around Kanda’s hips, arms holding him close. His shins soon dropped from around Kanda so he could better support himself but it was still pretty fantastic. Kanda briefly just petted his one thigh with his free hand a bit, loved how he could feel them along his both forearms. Their chests were touching, their dicks; complete skin contact with Allen’s head on his shoulder. At first. But then Allen withdrew just enough to look at him, only keeping the contact from stomachs below.
Good.
“What. So you like my eyes after all, do you?” Kanda said, looking right at him. It did sound like he was picking a fight, just softer.
“Kanda.” A bit amused. “You have no idea. They’re beautiful even when you’re glaring.” Allen was looking absolutely smitten again. “I love your eyes. And right now, they’re just— I don’t have a word for it,” Allen gasped, as if amazed at that.
Kanda was just looking at him openly, fully relaxed about loving him, desiring him. He was completely settled. They found each other, finally.
They were always going to reach this connection, gradually or abruptly. At some point. Allen was always going to finally really notice it. It didn’t have to be romantic, but Kanda was incredibly glad it ended up being. He was ecstatic about it.
And Kanda had some idea how much Allen liked his eyes. He was seeing it in him. Right now. Has been seeing it since they first started kissing. Allen has been taking every chance to stare. Otherwise Kanda wouldn’t even be saying it.
It was a shame Kanda couldn’t f*ck him in this position. But he was sure they would find something, hm, nice.
“I’m gonna f*ck you up,” Kanda said into his ear, heartfelt. He was really going to. In so many ways. It was going to be beautiful. Some of it was probably going to take time but they were definitely starting today.
Kanda had said this to him a couple of times before. When said to him, it has always meant the exact same thing. It wasn’t really sexual, but it definitely included sex, especially now that Kanda could actually get it from him.
Allen whined – muted, with his mouth closed – and shivered.
Kanda reached for lube again, with his free hand. He gave it to Allen, looked at him. Allen squired some lube onto his waiting hand. He was still holding Kanda with his other arms so they were steady.
Kanda rubbed his fingers together a bit. He looked into Allen’s eyes. He looked overcome with need. His messy hair framed him so perfectly, a bit like a halo because of all the whiteness.
His lubed hand made a slow approach. From below Allen’s tailbone, Kanda hovered lower, until he just touched into his crack. He let his fingers glide lower, searching out.
And then Kanda touched it, his opening, immediately started rubbing it a little.
Allen’s hips rocked against him, just once. But he groaned when it happened, almost an exclamation. They were still slick with lube.
“Kanda.” He rocked a few times more, almost bounced on him with the motion. He obviously couldn’t help himself. He sounded, and briefly also looked, like he was calling Kanda to help him with some sort of disaster. To put out a fire.
Kanda slid the tip of one of his fingers inside him, first along the hot, delicate skin and then in. “Mh.” He pushed it a bit deeper in. “Ah!”
“Allen,” Kanda rewarded him, for that needy sound. It was so easy, when Kanda felt him all around himself. And Kanda didn’t even care how transparent he sounded, anymore.
God, Allen really did f*cking want him.
Kanda was f*cking him with his finger, slowly, uncaring of if he poked his prostate or not, for now.
Allen was rocking his hips eagerly, between his finger from the back and his co*ck and stomach on the front.
“Ah. Ah!”
Allen’s eyes said “more”.
Kanda withdrew his finger, came back with two.
“Aaah.”
Allen was shaking, just slightly, his legs straining on Kanda’s sides, as Kanda started stretching him.
“Kanda, I, I— Ahh!” Kanda brushed his prostate pretty strongly, simply while stretching. It made Allen rub against his co*ck like mad. “God, K-Kanda, I don’t think I can—"
“Come. I’ll get you up again.”
Allen’s eyes dropped so low they were almost closed, he looked as if a wave of lust washed over him powerfully. He was rubbing against Kanda’s co*ck so f*cking desperately, after that. And Kanda was feeling it, too. He felt suffocated with heat worse than in any sauna, his balls felt f*cking tight, his co*ck’s pulsating felt angry. But he was gonna hold, until he could f*ck Allen. He knew he could hold.
“Ah! Oh f*ck. Kanda. Kanda.”
Swearing. Nice.
Kanda was rubbing his prostate on purpose, now, put stretching him on halt for just a moment.
“Ah! Ah! Ah!” Allen rocked against him a few more times. Hard, disjointed. Kanda felt his climax approaching.
He closed his eyes only when it hit him. He was clutching Kanda’s shoulders with the full length of his arms, putting his entire weight insistently against Kanda’s body, with the leverage of his feet on the bed, right behind Kanda ass. Kanda was basically holding him up in the air, but Allen didn’t seem to have any doubt in him that Kanda could manage to hold him. So Kanda just could.
He was silent while he came, not even breathing. He just released something almost like a sob and bowed his neck before it happened. Kanda could feel it entirely, when it tore through him in three waves of powerful pleasure, the last rubs against Kanda’s co*ck nearly too harsh. Kanda almost dropped him. For a moment there, he felt like he himself was close. The discomfort in his legs was thankfully distracting him from the pleasure.
And then Allen… didn’t start getting soft at all. He didn’t even seem to get oversensitive, because he didn’t try to move away even after a moment passed.
Allen lifted his head slowly, from Kanda’s shoulder. They looked at each other, Allen seeming like a lot of air just left him. But not all of it.
They both chuckled madly, guttural. f*cking lecherous.
“Heh. Only a second, huh?” Kanda went right back to stretching him, with the hand that wasn’t there just to keep him stable.
“A-apparently. This never. Happened before,” Allen said, still hard. “That was. Amazing.” A wondrous gasp. He probably meant his climax but, while saying it, he started rocking against Kanda again. He clearly didn’t mean that he was satisfied. He only seemed to be relishing it more now, staring at Kanda again through the heat of his face. His cum was smearing between them. “Aahh,” Allen moaned, mouth wide, sounding debauched.
Well. Kanda did try bringing condoms. Only remembered now. He didn’t think they would need them for this part. They both forgot about safety for a moment there. He wasn’t going to remind Allen now.
Kanda tried adding a third finger.
Allen groaned.
“Just f*ck me,” he said, breathy and careless. Then, maybe because of Kanda’s expression at this command, he abruptly went for a messy kiss.
Kanda deepened it, poked Allen’s prostate on purpose to make him squirm. It was just for a moment more. He did a couple of last-second stretches with three fingers, really opening him up.
Then he withdrew his fingers and threw Allen back down onto the bed.
Allen panted, exactly three times, his flushed chest raising quickly, before he rolled to the side.
With a look that was somehow both adorable and absolutely filthy as he kneeled up, he said, “Lie down. You need to rest your legs and arm after this.”
Kanda was already too warm everywhere so that didn’t really add to it. It was just as if the heat all over his body fluttered, pleased and flattered with Allen’s care.
He crawled across the bed, helping himself with arms only because his legs really were complaining, a tiny bit.
He gave Allen a look as he crawled right past him. Didn’t look away as he turned his body to face forward and sat down. Then he leaned back onto his elbows.
Allen knee-walked towards him. He threw one leg over Kanda’s hips as he sat down on them, Kanda’s co*ck behind his ass. It pulsed, when he did that.
Why, that was a perfect spot for Beansprout.
He seemed to agree because he immediately twisted and reached for the lube and the condoms.
First he took the condoms out from the box, ripped one off. He opened it. He took one look at it and reached behind himself to roll it onto Kanda’s co*ck. While looking at him.
Motherf*cker had practice, clearly. Kanda almost rocked into this touch, even though it wasn’t even aimed to please.
And then it was the lube.
Allen first brought a copious amount of lube to his ass.
Kanda just watched, starved, as he briefly fingered himself. Then he reached further behind, coated Kanda’s co*ck over the thin rubber. This time, Kanda did rock into it, leaning heavier back on his elbows.
And then, with a smug expression and a hand on Kanda’s chest, Allen pushed himself against his co*ck. His free hand was just pressing Kanda tightly against himself. He moved a bit like this, sending Kanda gliding along his ass.
“Beansprout,” Kanda said, warning him, swallowing a small moan on pure stubbornness.
“It’s Allen,” he said. Then, conversationally, “I couldn’t help but notice you seemed to have remembered that, finally.”
“Me? Nah.” Kanda knew he didn’t sound nearly as relaxed as those words would require. He needed to be inside that ass right now. He noticed himself how strained his voice was. Allen was f*cking teasing him, after everything.
“Pff.”
This. This was really good. All of it.
Allen lifted himself up, giving him a stare. Kanda felt his hand on his co*ck as he aligned himself.
And then he started dropping down, looking into Kanda’s eyes the entire time. He looked like he would give him anything.
He probably thought Kanda didn’t see that he was a bit nervous. He wasn’t going to tell him.
First, Kanda felt just the touch of him, all slick with lube against the tip of Kanda’s co*ck. But then he sank lower and finally, finally, Kanda could feel himself getting engulfed by Allen.
He was tight and scorching.
“Mmh.” Kanda had to close his eyes briefly, when the head went completely over the rim.
Allen went lower, taking Kanda deeper in. It was such a f*cking relief when he finally sat back down on him.
Kanda was inside. Completely.
Allen was breathing hard through his nose, curled into himself a bit, and was trying to get used to it. It was very good they started with him on top if he was like this. He did feel very tight, it took a lot from Kanda to ignore the powerful urge to grab his hips and start thrusting.
Kanda waited for him to settle. When he opened his eyes and their eyes met, Kanda leaned heavier on one elbow, stretched the other hand out to touch his stomach.
Kanda couldn’t help but smile and he could feel that it looked extremely smug. “You good?”
Allen squirmed on his co*ck. It was unclear if his groan and the flare up of the blush that had just managed to calm down were because of Kanda inside him or Kanda’s face.
“Hrrmng.” Allen pressed his lips together and closed his eyes, almost as if bearing through something.
“That sounds like pretty good.”
He f*cking loved Allen letting him see him like this.
Then, Allen supported himself more heavily on his chest and finally lifted himself up a bit before letting himself drop down, only a little more controlled than free-fall.
They both moaned, staring at each other. Kanda could feel how well he was filling him up, how deep he was reaching. The pressure all around his co*ck had him light-headed.
Allen did it again.
And on the next go, Kanda couldn’t stop himself from grabbing at Allen’s hips anymore.
When he did, he trusted up. Just once.
“Ah! Oh my god, Kanda.” He dropped onto him again, harder. “You’re really gonna.” Next time, he raised himself even more. Dropped with a slap. “Ah! f*ck me up.”
“Yeah,” Kanda said, then started thrusting up into him. Actually, it wasn’t really thrusting, just yet. And he wasn’t trying to set a rhythm. For a moment, all he wanted was just to be as deep as possible. His hold on Allen’s hips was tight and he pulled him down while thrusting up until he was just grinding, grinding, grinding—
The beast inside of him was finally getting happy. The hot coil of arousal in his groin was churning something fierce.
“Ah!!“ He sounded like it might have been a bit painful, aside from pleasurable, but he took it in stride and just dropped his mouth wider open. “Kanda…”
And then Kanda did try to set a rhythm. It was incredible, how easy this was with Allen.
After two thrusts, Allen visibly noticed what Kanda was doing. He gave him a look that consisted nearly only of horniness. On the third, he dropped down when Kanda went up, in perfect timing to meet him.
They moaned together, again. Kanda wished he would be closer, wanted to kiss him. He wasn’t sure how to ask, even right now.
So, instead, he just focused on thrusting.
And, f*ck, Beansprout was honestly riding his co*ck right now. His own was bouncing with the movement, and Kanda couldn’t help but stare.
Beansprout had a very nice co*ck. And now it was flushed prettily, making Kanda just want to put it into his mouth.
Not very practical, for the moment.
And Allen still had his own cum on his stomach, mixed with lube and dried. Kanda’s ears were hot just from looking at it. He had it on himself, too. On his stomach.
He sped up his thrusts, and Allen caught on right away, kept up with him.
He was moaning on every thrust now. The moans got guttural, a whole lot wounded. It was very clear Kanda’s co*ck was stimulating his prostate. Allen’s own was starting to weep. His eyes were closed and his head thrown back, his body rocking in a sinuous movement.
“Ah! Ah! Ah!”
He looked so f*cking hot.
Kanda really wanted to say it. The impulse to say it didn’t make him as uneasy as the thought of calling him beautiful did. He thought it should work. He really still couldn’t. He just kept panting harshly, staring at him.
Kanda put more weight behind his thrusts. He was slamming into Allen, fast but deep. An effort of his stomach muscles and legs, ending in snap of hips, a smooth slide against Allen’s insides until he hit the limit, pleasure devastating. But this position just wasn’t enough. He couldn’t really f*ck Allen the way he wanted to.
Kanda was hot, completely taken over by need. He was starting to get frustrated. Two things he wanted and couldn’t do back to back like that were just a bit much.
Kanda put his hand over the base of Allen’s spine, a significant pressure. To stabilize it and not hurt him.
Allen’s eyes opened to meet his as he probably sensed that something was up.
They exchanged one look.
And when Kanda straightened up his torso, surged, pressed his shoulders closer to Allen and heaved on one arm to flip them, Beansprout didn’t even seem surprised.
He only moaned, just like Kanda did, at Kanda’s immediate more powerful thrust, with the force of the entire motion behind in.
Before Kanda knew it, his hands were on Allen’s thighs, the vulnerable inner side. He pushed them up, as far as it was reasonable to expect legs to go.
“They go. Further than that,” Allen said, panting, which went right to Kanda’s co*ck.
He pressed them further, until they went all the way and Allen’s knees landed beside his head.
“Beansprout.” It was almost a groan.
He was completely exposed like this. With Kanda’s co*ck snugly in his ass, an area around it flushed and gleaming with lube.
Allen was giving him a very pleased sort of look, smug aside from horny, lips parted the entire time.
Must have been because Kanda sounded suitably impressed.
And then, hands firmly below his knees, Kanda really started f*cking him. Kneeling, pressing his hips, his co*ck, down into Allen.
“Ahhhh!”
God. He was f*cking dying.
Kanda wasn’t even going all that hard yet. Because he wanted to stretch out his torso and neck first, feel his tongue again.
It was barely even a proper kiss, just all filth and tongues and teeth.
Kanda lifted himself up onto his arms, palms on the bed, his legs straight, and just started bringing himself down with the entire weight of his body. He knew that this should be a good angle. For Allen, too.
Okay, now, Allen was dying. There was really not even a comparison to before. He sounded so throaty. Barely even forming the sounds with how much effort it was taking him just to breathe.
Kanda couldn’t help the grunts escaping him, either. Both in effort and mind-mumbling pleasure.
“K-Kanda, ah! Ah! You’re. Amazing.” He had an arm across his forehead again. He was overheating.
f*ck. Kanda just wanted to—
He slowed down, for a few moments. Still going hard but just slower, really aiming for his prostate.
“Aaaaaa.”
Allen was just— rolling with need under him. He was perfect.
Kanda’s thrusts became faster again. He was really chasing it, now.
“Beansprout.”
Kanda never thought he would live to see the day where that made Allen whine.
Kanda started slamming into him again. Everything on him was burning. Scalp, nape, back, his entire arms, loins. The coil of arousal in him was tightening, and tightening.
“I can’t, so.” Kanda was. Not properly able to sentence, but. “Touch yourself.”
Allen simply did, maybe two jerky slides of his palm. He was not quiet, this time. When he seized and started coming. He was, finally, falling apart completely. Kanda saw his co*ck pulse strongly as he released in a few spurts, his cum covering his co*ck and hand.
The sight, especially the detail, was making Kanda feral. He f*cked him through it. Really just f*cked him. And he kept going like that, until a few moans tore themselves out of his throat.
He plunged deep, hard, hips stuttering, and he came. Silently, completely blowing to pieces himself, balls emptying and all tension leaving his body when he just pressed and pressed into Allen as deep as he could, releasing into the condom.
“f*ck,” Kanda said, voice extremely tight for just a moment.
He withdrew himself right away. Because he just needed to. f*cking collapse. After the hit the bed, with the last bit of effort, he took off the condom and tied it up to carelessly toss is aside for now.
After that, Allen immediately caught him into his arms. Brought him close. They embraced, Kanda panting worse than he remembered ever doing.
Allen was incredibly close, now, his entire body pressed along Kanda’s as they tried to come down from their high. Allen’s hand was petting his back.
Kanda just focused on Allen’s heart and breathed, and felt him. He calmed down faster than he was expecting he could.
He withdrew a bit, to look at him. Allen’s eyes were incredibly bright when he went in for a kiss. Kanda had never seen him quite like that before.
“Mm.” Kanda kissed him back, lazily, entire spent and satisfied body humming with the touch of Allen’s tongue.
Allen withdrew gradually. At first just the tongue. Then it died down to a few pecks before he actually moved away.
They looked at each other. Allen’s eyes looked— wondrous. And wet.
“I. I always— I— I thought you’d be more— M-more— F-frigid. Or angry. In best case impatient."
Allen really did know him well. And he had wanted that anyway, it seemed. He had just gotten more.
Kanda nodded a bit, feeling a smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah. I think I usually am.”
But Allen saw him today. He noticed him and he liked what he was seeing. Kanda could see through all of that, saw that Allen could tell now. That, really, Kanda was just—
Allen started crying.
Kanda was very… cautious. He had a lot of weak spots to be covering up for.
At first it was just a few tears, flowing out of Allen’s eyes as he sniffled and tried to find a good spot to look away to. But then he started sobbing for real.
“Come, let it out,” Kanda said, and pulled him close.
This would probably sound stupid, or bad or something, to say out loud, but Kanda had always wanted to make him cry like this, at least once. Even if he would have to do that by being properly mean. He just felt like Allen needed it.
Kanda wanted to answer him. Tell him that he, on the other hand, was exactly what Kanda expected. Only even better.
Or something.
He only managed to make his ears feel warm.
“Uh,” Kanda couldn’t help the frustrated sound and glared.
“W-what. What have I done.” Allen was properly startled.
“Nothing. Annoyed at talking not working.” Then, through his teeth and obviously unhappy even to his own ears, “Sorry.”
“Pfft.” Allen tried to stop himself but couldn’t and started laughing hysterically.
“Heh.”
“S-sorry. I’m not. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just. I would always think—"
“I know. You can let that out, too.”
Allen did, laugh clear and beautiful. And, after all of that, he was finally calm.
He just moved in to hug him again.
Kanda sighed, deeply, and pressed him closer.
He was just waiting for Allen to start talking, now. Kanda had a feeling he was going to.
They were extremely filthy and really needed to at least clean their stomachs but it could wait. Getting Allen to open up was a process so delicate that Kanda couldn’t afford to miss a step.
“No wonder you— No wonder you don’t like being around people too much. Were you also avoiding me in the beginning because—”
“Because you’d always think the worst possible thing about me? Yeah.”
Allen hid more into his neck. “I’m so sorry…“
Kanda pinched his ass.
He yelped, just a little bit.
“Well. I don’t like that. Despite how I am, I managed to get through to you pretty well in the end, don’t you think?”
“Well, yes, but I was just… My— My behavior sometimes, I suppose just didn’t give you any opening to— ”
“Yeah. I could have tried harder to clear some things up, too. But again, I managed, Beansprout. We’re good.”
“You’re so uncaring about this,” Allen said. It was hard to tell if it was more impressed or accusatory.
Right now, Kanda was relaxed. Period. He would probably be able to talk about anything easily and simply, especially without eye contact but a lot of skin. As long as Allen did the effort of keeping the conversation going.
But Kanda had his ways of navigating a conversation, too. Like subverting his reply in a way that would correct the course. “Not uncaring. It’s just resolved, already. I’d rather talk about things that aren’t, like if you want to stay over tonight or not.”
Allen laughed a bit. “You think I wouldn’t want to? After this.”
“Not really, ‘m just asking you to.”
Allen squeezed him as he laughed again, he put one of his legs through Kanda’s. “I will.”
They were silent just for a moment.
“You know, I was really… trying to say…”
Kanda perked up a bit from his haze, in interest. Allen was petting around his hip a bit now and his touch felt somehow nervous. Like he was playing with a stress-ball or something, only gently but just as insistent.
“You… would always be at the bars and stuff. You know, whenever we would go with others. Do you even… like it in places like that? I was always kind of surprised that you would just be there and have a bad time.”
“Wow, you’re so stupid,” Kanda said.
“Hey!“ Allen said, but he hugged him tighter. He probably already knew what he meant.
“Obviously, I was coming to spend time with you, mostly. I hate places like that, but it wasn’t completely terrible, Beansprout. Not always, anyway.”
“I see…”
“Uh-huh.” There was more, Kanda knew there was more.
“So— I suppose. You wouldn’t mind too much spending more time with me, right? I mean, not just sex, but—”
Ah. Wow but he really was stupid.
“Are you pretending we didn’t agree to be together?”
It felt a bit like he was going to start dragging his face down Kanda’s chest in shame any moment now. “N-no.”
“That’s very good if you aren’t,” Kanda said, not trusting a single word he was saying. “To be honest I just want to be able to bully you as much as possible. The rest is up to you.” Bully him into thinking more highly of himself, amongst other things. He could be so confident, most of the time. But in other moments, confidence just completely slipped from him.
Kanda realized that he was leaving a lot to interpretation for Allen here, but it was fine. It really was fine, now. The main point Kanda wanted to get across was that he was going to take as much as Allen was willing to give him. Whether it was about time spent together or otherwise.
“O-oh.” Allen didn’t sound very worried about the bullying, definitely. He eventually said, “So we both could… stop going out so often?”
Huh. Allen did actually manage to surprise him. Kanda wouldn’t think he would be saying something like this right now.
Allen kind of… hated crowds even more than Kanda did, didn’t he? In bars, for example, he would alternately drink too much or not drink at all and pretend he was. And he didn’t seem to be letting loose all that often. Even when he seemed to be, Kanda couldn’t really look at it without getting irritated. It was so— forced.
“Sure. Lenalee and Lavi will be fine if that’s what you’re worried about. Before we met you, I used to see them maybe once every few months. They were completely alright with it.”
“Seriously?“
“Seriously.”
“…You’re probably weirded out that I would want to though, right?” Kanda absolutely wasn’t so he said nothing and let him continue. “I mean, I—” Allen was hesitating. This was going to be something big. At least to him. Maybe much like Kanda’s moment before. “N-nothing like sharing your deepest, darkest secret on the first date, huh.” He was trying to make light of it. This sh*t was really serious. “I really like— making people around me happy. And being around happy people, but I— most of the time I just really want—” Allen hugged him tighter, he was shaking. Then he started backing out. “Never mind. I’m rushing into this. I—"
Kanda’s heart squeezed something fierce.
Kanda knew. He knew that Allen just really needed a special someone by his side, someone who he could give his entire bleeding heart to. He had felt it in him, always.
In this, they were absolutely the same.
“Beansprout, I know that you like peace and quiet,” he said, a hand coming up into Allen’s hair. And it just came out, what he really thought, “It’s what I like most about you.”
Allen sniffled.
Kanda couldn’t help but smile to himself. “Oh, hey. That was nice, right?”
Allen groaned, sounding pinched. “Oh my god, Kanda…”
“Heh.” Kanda was very pleased with himself.
He was thinking that the way he made his date cry this time around, twice, was really not half-bad.
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